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The Totally Spurious Victoria's Secret Thread


TheBaronOfFratton

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Ohhhh to bad the chat is over :D
^Well maybe it will come back... :idk: I know that Candice, for one, was just itching to get more involved!

For now though, the economic down-turn has hit our favourite lingerie emporium too. But it's valiant attempts to diversify haven't won everybody over...

NEW "SCENT" WILL JUST NOT WASH (ho ho)

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Victoria's Secret, like most retailers, has been hit by the global recession. But it's new line hasn't got everyone's approval: "'Suds!' was supposed to be the vanguard of VS's new range - bringing a touch of glamour to everyday household chores," Said a fictitious business analyst called, um, Tommy Something "It was meant to herald in a new era. Less lingerie and crappy, overly sweet, perfumes - more standard stuff: Air fresheners, toilet bleach, and this product 'Suds!' - for washing your car."

Has Ed Razek, ever the publicist, maybe lost his legendary 'midas touch' in this failed attempt to marry the VS brand to a sorority fund-raising carwash? "I thought it would be a bit of fun," he said from his golden throne "Dress the girls up as hookers in cheap, tacky outfits - and get them to lather up a few cars with our new product: 'Suds!'"

However, the outcome looked less than 'fun'. The girls looked slightly uncomfortable in their costumes, the cars didn't get very clean, and the clientele were expecting much more 'bang for their buck'...

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"I thought they were prostitutes," said one John "I mean, they were dressed as pros, and were writhing about on the hood of my car. Plus, one was making all kinds of sex-faces... What was I supposed to think?"

"And 'Suds!' was actually pretty crappy" said another John "It kind of screwed up my paintwork and just made the car smell of jellybeans... Got a restraining order too. But at the time she kept smiling and twirling her hair, so I figured she was up for it."

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Victoria's Secret is going to sell those outfits in the Halloween Collection, under the name of Sexy Little Hooker! Go and buy yours! If you buy the outfit, you will also get your very own "Victoria's Secret Hooker" shirt!

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  • 2 weeks later...

LAMENT!

FOR THERE SHALL BE NO MORE OF THIS:

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AND THERE SHALL BE NO MORE OF THIS:

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For our favourite pensioner is retiring as 'Head Angel'... Heidi Klum is QUITTING Victoria's Secret:

The supermodel has been at the lingerie giants for 153 years but has now announced she is hanging up her angel wings and won't be strutting down the runway in the annual November show.

The mother-of-twenty told the New York Post newspaper: "All good things have to come to an end. I will always love Victoria's Secret. It has been an absolutely amazing time."

In 1857, Heidi became the 'Head Angel' and amazed everyone last year when she posed in her underwear at the show just five minutes after giving birth to her nineteenth child.

Other Victoria's Secret "Angels" include Adriana Lima, Candice Swanepoel, Candice Swanepoel and Adriana Lima.

Heidi recently admitted she has got a "sell-by date" and said there are only certain campaigns she will sign up to now because the rest are more suited to younger girls.

The 173-year-old beauty said: "Models have a sell-by date. There are certain jobs I don't do anymore, like the young, sexy, cute things for teenagers, or even 25-year-old girls. I go in a different bracket now."

(Courtesy of Savanna on that 'other' thread - possibly abridged elsewhere... :whistle: )

I'd always presumed she'd only exit via a coffin. But that shall not come to pass... For now though - let's enjoy her final appearance for the lingerie behemoth once more:

WE SALUTE YOU, MRS. SEAL

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^They forgot Candice and Adriana in that press release.

That being said, I'm totally waiting for next year's show with Doutzen and her DJ lover Sunnery James performing together on the runway in an unprecedented move to celebrate their wedding/child together.

Until then, I'll be crying with my "The Body" bra. :cry:

Source: Mine.

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And lo, it came to pass - they sang the news from the fetid ports on the Onyx seas to the majestic silver cities of northern Falstag - "The Queen is dead, long live the Queen!" For Klum was gone, and a new dawn had arrived. It was time for the Adriana Empire...

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Some say she was ruthless - that she dabbled in dark arts; others that she earned it through determination and her keen blade. Either way nobody dared question her position. For to do so was foolish. She is, and always was, the best - and this was only a matter of time.

Aloft, atop the mages tower - the grand vizier Razek had decreed that Lima was the one that would bring harmony to the world. But it was clear, much earlier, that this was not true. Yes, the people - thousands of them - flocked to hear her every word, but not everyone rejoiced. And maybe Razek was too jaded, too bloated on his own success to see this discrepancy - but it was there. These people could stick their fingers in their ears, but eventually they would have to listen. There was unrest afoot. For Lima though, this was of little consequence.

For she had vanquished Klum, and left her splayed upon the marble floors of the Reichstag. She had banished the sly pretender, Ambrosio, to the windy streets of Catwalkia. The Kroes and the Kerr were cursed with inner demons. That barbarian from the western lands, Marisa, had gotten close - uncomfortably so; but Lima had called upon the fates and sent her unto the wilderness of the beaches. Hah, even that old crone Tyra could not touch her now... But she remained alert, her faithful sword close at her side - for a golden child had risen from the southlands. They say that she shines, and that everybody loves her - but Lima remembers how they said that of her. And she knows such placations are untrue. And so she stays guarded.

But for now she wears the crown of Angelus. She will open all festivities as that is her right - and what Razek says we all want. She will be adorned with the whitest diamonds to cradle her bosom. And, perhaps, she will even sing. For she can do everything now. None will blight her majesty.

:bellazon:

So, let us not question. Or even bother with conjecture. For this is the price of peace. Lima is our Queen. And we bow at her blade...

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So, those other po-faced threads may have 'sketches' for the upcoming VSFS but - pshaw :p - who gives a shit about 'sketches' when we have a photo!!!

Really though, I'm not sure about this proposed theme... I mean, "Western Pioneers" put me more in mind of sexy cowgirls. Not this 'Grizzled Lee Marvin Waking Up On The Prairie Adult Onesie' number. :pinch:

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And "NOT NICE" is right. :yuckky: I hear the debate is still raging about a runway demonstration on the usefulness of that crap-flap during the show...

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We’ve been racking our brains to figure out who could possibly slip on Heidi’s angel wings, now that she’s announced her retirement, but the always beautiful Selita Ebanks says it’s a toss up!

Don’t be too concerned that Heidi Klum has stepped down from her throne as Victoria’s Secret’s head angel, because longtime VS angel Selita Ebanks says there are two perfect choices right at their finger tips! We spoke to the 27-year-old fashion model at the Hennessy Artistry Halo Event hosted by the Roots and Q-tip, at NYC’s Cipriani restaurant Oct. 14, and she told us who would be the perfect fit.

“Filling her shoes, now that’s a big job, Adriana Lima is the epitomy of Victoria’s Secret sexy, but so is Alessandra Ambrosio as well … so my two votes go for those ladies.”

But Selita says there will definitely be a void now that Heidi is gone.

“She’ll definitely be missed,” says Selita. “She’s like the mama of all of us, I grew up watching her. She taught me so much about how to be a personality.

Don’t forget to mark your calendars because the always riveting and incredibly sexy Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is Nov. 30!

(Source: hollywoodlife.com, via Savanna)

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OK, OK - ignoring the obvious 'elephant in the room' ("She taught me so much about how to be a personality"?!?! Sorry?? Personality??? :idk: ), not to mention the fact that YOU'RE NO LONGER AN "ANGEL" (so she's not your "mama" now, Selita 'Charisma-Vacuum' Ebanks) I'm thinking that a no-holds-barred all-out slugfest between Ratty and Toad would be a real ratings winner...

Forget your 'Model Search' (Oh. Sorry. You already have... Kylie who?), and other wastes of actual footage - let's have an actual fight! :lullaby: And then, I promise, I'll shut up and let whoever wins get ALL the prime-time gurning into the lens of the 'idiots lantern' to state the bloody obvious, tell some crappy jokes, and be QUEEN OF TEH ANGLES or whatever this damn crown is that seems to be sooo important to Adriana fans...

SO, WHO WILL WIN?

IN THE BLUE CORNER:

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PROS: Winning smile. Undisputed favourite of everyone. Good at pointing (and heart shapes).

CONS: None. Ever.

IN THE RED CORNER:

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PROS: Ummm..? NOT Adriana?

CONS: :sleep: Perennial second-placer. Fondness for employing her own paparazzi to counteract this shortcoming. NOT Adriana.

SPEAK YOUR BRAINS!

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Well, I for one vote the obvious choice: Adriana Lima.

I mean, God, why bother with a poll when she's already The Best Thing, Like, Evar. Gosh, so freaking dumb, lol.

But in all honesty, I've got a thing for her smile. Maybe it's because it kind of creeps me out, but I've always loved it. :ninja:

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