Dear BZ family, friends and other's who at least come to this thread (or I tag later) I don't reveal much about myself mostly because I'm a private person but as part of my treatment/counselling of doing one thing a day that will usually trigger a massive anxiety attack, I wanted to share something so it is out there. For the record, I'm not asking for additional support/people to hammer with messages this is more of a PSA, as narcissistic as it may sound just to have it out there and challenge myself/soothe myself as well:
I suffer massively from crippling anxiety (which leads to depression and extreme loneliness) brought on from past life experiences that changed the way I see many normal actions that do or don't happen and warp them into things that emotionally and spiritually hurt the people I call friends, family and those I love the most as well as myself. This is not anything new, this has been going on for 14+ plus years (I am 25) it has gotten extremely worse lately and this is why I am finally seeking help (professionally) and being a tad reclusive as the whole recovery process is very hard and draining on myself. Too many times have I secretly not told or told someone about how my anxiety affects how I see them/react to what they do/ do not do and I myself have paid the price for it losing many people near and dear to me over a young life by putting much too weight on them and being overbearing.
Since I started trying to recover and feel better in the past week I have barely ate (maybe half as much as I usually do?), slept much more than usual and been rather bitter/cold/sad to a lot of people when I do not want to, but I have also been the most cheery open and wonderful person to other's as well. I opened up finally to my personal family and friends and they took the information hard but understood as it explains a lot about who I am outside of BZ (I am totally different outside of BZ) and it has been helpful but worrisome everyone knows. Then worst of all, I told one person that is so very close to me and I love to death to get lost and I did not want to talk to them during my recovery, and it has been so fucking hard to just be calm and cool and collected, knowing what a selfish thing it was when all they want/wanted to do is help and see that I am okay but I couldn't just accept this and whisked them away while they were crying when we were talking about it, and I am not sure how they will ever feel about it if they talk to me again which I hope they do as I will always love them no matter what happens no matter how long I take to get back to more comfortable levels.
Overall though the days have been getting better, I feel better inside less anxious the past few days but it has only been a week with trying to stay away from a lot of things that cause my anxiety to trigger and bringing them back in the last few days is tough, but I feel less stressed over them already. Writing this has been easy at points but really hard as well as it is not something I am comfortable with, but I am on here enough to (i feel) warrant and explanation for why I am gone from now til ?
In conclusion, some days I will be on Bellazon, but most days I won't be for awhile I deal with what I deal with that is why Pretty is voting for me after sending me the remaining girls and I told her how I would vote in her competitions and any upcoming one's until I feel much better equipped to handle the anxiety I fight everyday. Thank you for understanding if you read this whole thing, if you ignored it or want to poke fun at it that is fun to, I am not liked by everyone around here and I know it for a fact and this may give people more ammunition. I will respond (slowly ) to PM if anyone does wanna chat, or I may say hi to a few people. So goodbye for now
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