The Jokes Thread

[Qball]

A: Have you heard that joke about a stupid guy and a deaf guy?

B: No.

A: ..what did you say..?

you laugh of your own jokes ? lool

That was actually meant to be the most pathetic post ever... Did I do well?

What if i say yes ? what if i say no ?

PIP!

[maddog107]

A Greek parks his brand new BMW in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car a truck comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the Greek grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Greek starts screaming hysterically "My BMW, my beautiful black BMW is ruined! No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Greek finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Greeks are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Greek.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?" The Greek looks down in absolute horror: "Fucking HELL!!!!!! He screams... "Where's my fucking Rolex????"

* that sounds so much like me, mabye im really a greek

[Neo52285]

[maddog107]

A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies... "Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[OriginalSin]

[mylovelyangel]

i don't see what suppose to be funny, I mean thats sound like a good deal, but not funny

[Asuka K.]

There were 4 cows, one mother and three calves.

The first calve asked, "Mama why was I named Daisy?"

The mother answers, "Because a daisy petal fell on your head when you were born'

The second calve asked, "Mama why was I named Rose?"

The mother answers, "Because when you were boen a rose petal fell on your head"

The third calve says, "HASDOFHF WE EDF FWA!"

"Shut up Cinderblock!" The mother yells

____________

My friend gave me this joke. I thought it was hilarious, but maybe it's just me.

[maddog107]

Programming Is Like Sex

because

[mylovelyangel]

hmmm I guess it would be funnier if i knew anythng about programming

[maddog107]

yea sry, only geeks need apply. I guess I shoulda posted it in the comptuer section

[OriginalSin]

James your geek is showing again

[Neo52285]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a

doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a

urine

sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to

Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart"

Th at evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He

deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle

7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never

get

better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Rhett]

that's a good one, but of course it varies a lot.

I like that the machine tells him he's going blind, and he thinks it's crap, so he whacks off into the cup... and the daughter has HIV from a needle-using crack dealer. oh, and also car oil, which needs a change.

[safin83]

yeah, ive heard that one before

[rouge red]

The results of a poll made by United Nations came out. The question was: "Please, tell us honestly what is your opinion about the abundance vs scarcity of food in the rest of the world." The results were as follows:

# The Europeans did not understand what was meant by "scarcity".

# The Africans did not understand

[Rhett]

or

heaven: the english greet you at the door, the germans organize everything, the french cook and the italians provide the entertainment

hell: french greet you, english cook, italians organize, and germans entertain

[I LOVE ADRIANA]

niice one neo.

[Rhett]

A guy named Marduk went to the doctor because he had a nasty worm in his lower intestine. "Dr. Rhett please help me, I tried everything to get rid of this worm and it just keeps getting bigger and fatter! I

[maddog107]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

[I.Love.Gemma.Ward]

A man is walking around the Zoo and he remembers he has an urgent appointment to get to that day, he looks at his wrist and has forgoted to put his watch on. He's desperate to know what the time is and takes a look around. He spots a Zoo Keeper with an Elephant and walks over.

"Do you happen to know what the time is?" He says

The Zoo Keeper puts his hand under the Elephant and starts to feel his balls, for about 4 minutes he does this. He turns to the man and says "It's about 3:00pm"

Baffled the man says "How did you know that?"

The Zoo keeper replies "There's a clock on the wall behind you"