The Jokes Thread

[KingSupra]

[Sweetpea]

Okay My joke!

A man and his wife and their nine kids were on their way out when their car broke down, seeing as there was no way to get a hold of a mechanic they all decided to take the bus, so trucking down to the bus stop they all waited for the bus to pull up. While they waited a blind man sat down on the bench next to the family, when the bus finally pulled up it was full and there was only enough room from the mother and the nine kids, so being the nice husband he was he let his wife and the kids get on. After the bus pulled off the husband decided he would walk withthe blind man to their destination, after a while the clicking of the man's cane started to irritate him, so the man stopped walking and turned to the blind man and said "Why don't you put a rubber at the end of that stick?" and the blind man replied "Well if you would have put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick we wouldn't be walking so shut the hell up."

haha

[KingSupra]

that's funny sweetpea

A man walks into a lingerie store to buy a bra for his wife.

[Sweetpea]

I GET IT!!! LOL that's funny!

[Guest quasicartes]

If Microsoft made cars...

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At COMDEX recently, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. Oh yeah, and last but not least . . . you'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off!

^ taken from http://eul0000562.eu.verio.net/boreme/funn...php?backid=v464

[zoltar]

[one man band]

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

hehehe...

[Sweetpea]

A man worked at a sasuage making factory which he was proud of he thought it was the best thing in the world and one day hoped to give it to his son when he got old. But his son who was a pompos jerk made it hard for his father and by giving him snide remarks as they walked through the factory the father showed him the different places that he thought were great in the factory only to get another snide remark by his son, and this infuriated him because his son was so ungrateful. As they came to the sausage maker the father beamed with pride and turned to his son and said "Have you ever seen a machine that you put in a pig and out comes sausage?" The son just scoffed and replied "Well have you ever seen a machine that you put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" And smiled in a annoying way which just made his father burn up inside and the father just replied with a smile "Yes your mother."

[KingSupra]

burn

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I

[Sweetpea]

LMAO!!!!

[Sweetpea]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies

and before long he discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is

about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard.

"That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from

the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool

of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

[KingSupra]

A blonde decides to go icefishing so she heads out early one morning, sets her equipment up on the ice, and begins to drill a hole. She then hears a voice from above that says, "There

[Neo52285]

burn

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I

[one man band]

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving on the highway and asks him to take a Breathalyzer test.

I can

[Sweetpea]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on as they sat down they engaged in a very animated conversation the lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following.:

"Emma come first, den I come, two asses come, den I come once-a-more two asses they come together again, den I come again, den I pee twice, then I come one lasta time."

"You foul mouthed sex obsessed swine" Retorted the lady "in this country we don't speak in public about our sex lives."

"Hey coola down lady." Said the man. "Who was talkin abouta sex I was justa teachin my friend how to spelle Mississippi"

hehe

[zoltar]

[Guest quasicartes]

A man woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looked in the

Yellow Pages and sure enough, there was an ad for "Bear Removers."

He called the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

When the bear remover arrived and got out of his van with a ladder, a

baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," asked the homeowner?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up

there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear

falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The

bear

will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of

the van." Then he handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?", asked the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Guest quasicartes]

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic." The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said,

"Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming.

"Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.

Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear.

[Guest quasicartes]

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was

having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said,

"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying tokeep her entertained,

I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my

mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat

them before I rushed out of the room again.When I returned, my

daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a

devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"