The Jokes Thread

[KingSupra]

An elderly man turns to his wife and asks if she’s ever cheated on him.

“I love you,” she says, “but I must confess. I’ve been unfaithful to you three times.”

“What?” yells the man. “When?”

“The first time was when we were denied a mortgage,” she explains. “I went to see the banker, and I persuaded him to give us the loan.”

“The second time you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills,” she says. “I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free.”

“And what about the third time?” the husband demands.

“Remember when you ran for mayor,” the wife begins, “and you were behind by 300 votes?”

[greeneyed_lady]

oh snap!

[babranski]

thats wrong, horrible. I love the dam response tho, those dam beavers! building dams on my dam property! How dare they!

[KingSupra]

George, Laura, and Jenna Bush are flying on Air Force One. George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a thousand-dollar bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."

Jenna says, "Of course then, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make one hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, "I could throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people very happy."

[safin83]

[Neo52285]

[the mascot]

George, Laura, and Jenna Bush are flying on Air Force One. George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a thousand-dollar bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."

Jenna says, "Of course then, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make one hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, "I could throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people very happy."

i head this joke except it had bush, nadar and kerry, and it was told by a democrat. and it ended with kerry throwing bush out of the plane, and didnt have the 100 $10 bills part.

either way its good, bc i dont like bush(but the daughters are bad)

[Adam]

I heard this from a kid at school...

A woman is shopping at a market and she has 1% milk... Some chocolate chip cookies... and a bag of apples in her cart...

A man comes up to her and looks at her and the cart and says "Hey you must be single"

The women says "How could you possibly no that?"

The man responds "Because your f****** ugly"...

[the mascot]

thats bad, yet at the same time, awesome

[Guest quasicartes]

Treat Her Like A Woman

A Guy Stuff

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[Guest quasicartes]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[Guest quasicartes]

Secrets to a Perfect Relationship

A Guy Stuff

1. It is important that a woman helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a woman makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a woman is good in bed and loves making love to you.

5. It is VERY important that these four women never meet.

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[Guest quasicartes]

The Unusual Bait

Politically Incorrect

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the

Coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on

Galveston Isle in his Pope-mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic

commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the

jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat

came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney

reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious John Kerry from the water.

Then using (autographed Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two

heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you My blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and

has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing...................how's the bait

holding up?"

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[Guest quasicartes]

5 Kinds of Sex

Need To Know

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[Guest quasicartes]

Good Thing He's Dead

Doctor's Jokes

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that

her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She

rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's

been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the

case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room

to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm

afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of

his spine."

"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable.

However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills

or capability. This means you will have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob...

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to

prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper

him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course,

these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The

doctor continues:

"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis,

as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will

engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you

must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid

effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and

beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on

the shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just fuckin' with you. He's dead."

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[Guest quasicartes]

Popular Brands Of Condoms

Commercial Comedy

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Blockbuster condoms: Go home happy.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Subway condoms: The way a sandwich should be.

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing

Maxwell House condoms: Good to the last drop.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.

General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!

AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.

America Online Condoms: No wonder it's number one!

Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?

Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.

MCI Condoms: For friends and family.

Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, your fun!

Big Red condoms: Make it last a little longer.

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.

Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.

United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

Southwestern Airlines condoms: Friends fly free.

Verizon Wireless: We never stop working for you.

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[Guest quasicartes]

Advice For Young Girlfriends

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is

right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much

more responsible, since they're not as emotionally

confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The

important thing to remember is that you must do

whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,

however, he may ask you to do certain things that may

at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't

feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished

making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you

suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or

perhaps another activity, such as going out with his

friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large

amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts

with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's

gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning

the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an

expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to

replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a

list of important activities for you to do after

lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,

making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few

beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out

and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not

quantity, is important, studies show this is simply

not true. The average erect male penis measures about

three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely

rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ

is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees

and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible

to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his

apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?

A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[Guest quasicartes]

Rectum Deodorant

Blonde Joke

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.

........ "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[Guest quasicartes]

Questions Answered

Useful Info?

How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?

Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

Why are electric trains like women's breasts?

They were designed for kids, but the father usually

winds up playing with them.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me!"

How come Mike Tyson's eyes water during sex?

Mace.

What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's

batteries in backwards?

He keeps coming, and coming, and coming..........

How did the Dairy Queen become pregnant?

Cause the Burger King forgot to cover his Whopper.

Why did man invent alcohol?

So ugly women could have sex too.

What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?

They are both meat substitutes.

What is the difference between erotic sex and freaky sex?

During erotic sex you use a feather, during freaky sex

you use the whole damn chicken.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of

a blowjob!"

What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

The frog says "ribbit, ribbit", and the horny toad

says "rub-it, rub-it".

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have

in common?

They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.