The Jokes Thread

[Guest quasicartes]

Kinds of Sex

Couple Comedy

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[Guest quasicartes]

An Extra Game

Being A Smart Ass

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[Guest quasicartes]

Technology At WalMart

Everyday Living

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, " My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[Guest quasicartes]

THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.

(Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her.

(Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.

(Moses--Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.

(Boaz--Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.

(Benjaminites--Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.

(Adam--Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife.

(Jacob--Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.

(David--1 Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone.

(It's all relative, of course.)

(Cain--Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.

(Xerxes or Ahasuerus--Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."

(Samson-- Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife

(Prepare to lose four sons, though).

(David--2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.

(It's not just a good idea; it's the law.)

(Onana and Boaz--Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.

(Solomon--1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT?

(Paul--1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

^ From consumption-junction.com. Warning: Don't go there if you don't want spywares in your systems.

[I LOVE ADRIANA]

those were funyn as hell

[maddog107]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so

much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have

never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into

bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel

like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me

to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look

by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in

the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with

her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big

unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on

several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to

take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to

compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We

went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond

earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was

one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because

she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play

tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel

like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're

just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy

your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she

was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and

not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Muffin]

[safin83]

funny shit maddog

[Adam]

nice one maddog

[the mascot]

damn that is funny

[*GiPsY_grl*]

Nice one!

[KingSupra]

haven't done this i a while but here it goes

A guy enters confessional and says to the priest, "I had an affair

[greeneyed_lady]

[Hiro]

good one king

[Vanessinha]

-> my signature

well...I was in niteroi (brasil) with my family and a few friends.

we went to an art museum and there was an elevator we wanted to use. there was not enough room for everybody so my mother and a friend could not go in. then they waved their hands and we waved our hands back.

time passed and my mother opened the door from the outside and she & my friend were laughing and we didn't know why....

then they told us that we already had been downstairs

[maddog107]

A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Guy says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Guy says, "What's the difference?" Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the guy and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

[Hiro]

[KingSupra]

One day, a French spy received a coded message from an American spy claiming it came directly from President Bush. It read: S370HSSV-0773H.

The spy was stumped, so he sent it to his boss at the agency. His boss was stumped too, so he sent it to the Russians for decoding.

The Russians couldn

[Qball]

Q: What do you say when a drummer is at the door?

A: He doesn't know when to come in.

[Guest quasicartes]

http://www.kimswebpage.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/being_a_dick.jpg