The Jokes Thread

[jig]

A man is walking around the Zoo and he remembers he has an urgent appointment to get to that day, he looks at his wrist and has forgoted to put his watch on. He's desperate to know what the time is and takes a look around. He spots a Zoo Keeper with an Elephant and walks over.

"Do you happen to know what the time is?" He says

The Zoo Keeper puts his hand under the Elephant and starts to feel his balls, for about 4 minutes he does this. He turns to the man and says "It's about 3:00pm"

Baffled the man says "How did you know that?"

The Zoo keeper replies "There's a clock on the wall behind you"

[blueberri]

PLEASE READ

A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well, until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him, "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"

Polish Man: "Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice little home."

Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

Polish Man: "It made of concrete."

Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

Polish Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

Polish Man: "All my relations still in Poland."

Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

Polish Man: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?"

Polish Man: "No, I always up before her."

Lawyer: "Is your wife a nagger?"

Polish Man: "No, she white."

Lawyer: "Why do you want this divorce?"

Polish Man: "She going to kill me."

Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"

Polish Man: "I got proof.

Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"

Polish Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say, Polish Remover."

[Neo52285]

[rouge red]

[I.Love.Gemma.Ward]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[I.Love.Gemma.Ward]

Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull.

Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?" Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

[I.Love.Gemma.Ward]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,

down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[I.Love.Gemma.Ward]

A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog's still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.

Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog.

The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.

The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a "meow", walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.

The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do."

Resigned, the man signed and said, "Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?"

"Three-hundred fifty dollars," the doctor replied.

"Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead!" the man stammered.

"Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan."

[irenistiQ]

OMW!

HEHEHE

[PinkCouture]

What did one egg said to another egg?

"I might have problems getting hard because I just got laid yesterday"

[irenistiQ]

OMW!

[maddog107]

[maddog107]

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he

[100%A.B.B.]

A Greek parks his brand new BMW in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car a truck comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the Greek grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Greek starts screaming hysterically "My BMW, my beautiful black BMW is ruined! No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Greek finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Greeks are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Greek.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?" The Greek looks down in absolute horror: "Fucking HELL!!!!!! He screams... "Where's my fucking Rolex????"

* that sounds so much like me, mabye im really a greek

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Sooooooooooooooooooooooo true!

[midnight lady]

A Greek parks his brand new BMW in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car a truck comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the Greek grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Greek starts screaming hysterically "My BMW, my beautiful black BMW is ruined! No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Greek finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Greeks are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Greek.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?" The Greek looks down in absolute horror: "Fucking HELL!!!!!! He screams... "Where's my fucking Rolex????"

* that sounds so much like me, mabye im really a greek

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Sooooooooooooooooooooooo true!

hahahahaahhahahaahaha

[Caroline]

A guy named Marduk went to the doctor because he had a nasty worm in his lower intestine. "Dr. Rhett please help me, I tried everything to get rid of this worm and it just keeps getting bigger and fatter! I

[maddog107]

deleted - fine you people are so PC

[rouge red]

:x

[Caroline]

in short: what the heck??

[SympathysSilhouette]

deleted - fine you people are so PC

I wanna know what the joke was. Pm it to me!