lol

lol

lol

A mild-mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which the man read on his way home.

When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The undertaker,” she replied.

Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"

:trout: haha i love this thread. cracks me up.

lol

A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble. The first man said

"Please excuse me for staring, but I cant help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"

The man said "buy me a drink and I'll tell you."

The drink was ordered and the story began. " I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. great I said. I'd like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

"Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no it just wouldn’t work her being half fish and all, so I said well, how about a little head then?

THE TOP 10 THINGS MEN SHOULD NOT SAY OUT LOUD IN VICTORA'S SECRET:

10. Does this come in children's sizes?

9. No thanks. Just sniffing.

8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7. Mom will love this.

6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

5. No need to wrap it. I'll eat it here.

4. Will you model this for me??

3. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

2. Forty-Five bucks? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!

And the number 1 thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

1. Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your ass into that!