Frederick

A heartfelt congratulations to The Royal Blues for finally replicating their scintillating Bundesliga form in the Champions League. Nothing gets me more hot under the collar then when those wacky defenders go wandering forward like flabby kneed old drunks! Sie sind sehr attraktiv wenn sie nicht!

Always check your sources, buster!

Carrick is a target of the media and the public alike, which he's been for long time now, but by no means is he underrated. Last year against Bayern he was a fault at a critical moment in the tie when he lost concentration and yesterday he made a really poor decision and consequently crumbled into oblivion. That's not to say he was solely responsible for the defeat, United weren't good enough in all areas, particularly Scholes, who once again showed what a vindictive little oik he can be when things aren't going his way. I shall not be mourning his hopefully imminent retirement.

Enjoyed Sky's graphic depicting how Michael Carrick covers more yards per game than everyone else. I mean if my sole responsibility in a team of eleven was to occasionally pass a ball sideways approximately five centimetres I could sprint around like a headless chicken all day, too.

Did you see Sucker Punch, Baron? Seems not many did.

Erm, yes. Quite easily, in fact.

Looks like Brucey's staging a late bid for the bottom half of the table...or worse! Clearly Bent leaving has left a huge void, but then if you're shifting three at home to Albion then there's surely a bit more to it than just that. What's happening, Michael?! Clean sheet, three points! West Ham away next week, which version of Avram's side will show up? And as for us...hmm!

You should slap yourself for putting Liam Gallagher on the list, lad.

SCHALKE

Zooey. Rihanna. Avril. Shania! Bic Runga. Karen O. Lykke Li. Priscilla Ahn. 1990s era Jewel, Janet and Mariah. School of Seven Bells. Vanessa-Mae. Sophie Ellis-Bextor. Nina Persson.

It seems inevitable to me (and therefore the universe) that there will be an Unrated Edition on DVD. Extra sideboob and naughty words, here we come!

Disingenuous!

Houllier brought in his own crew, including Gary McAllistair and that French physio who had a fight with Patrice Evra at the World Cup, and right from the word go there was moaning about how grizzly the training is. This may well be perfectly true but I have little sympathy for our players (the senior ones) because they've been serving up feeble, ill tempered dross all season; irrespective of the manager, the tactics or the opposition (don't get me wrong though, Houllier's tactics are often utterly bewildering). Okay, we played really well at Chelsea and got a noble draw against Man Utd, but that's it in terms of any feigning credibility. Houllier being Houllier, blames O'Neill for our zonal marking woes, though funnily enough I don't recall conceding anywhere near as many goals when we were "only" finishing 6th. But then its important to remember that Houllier talks complete and utter nonsense. The man is a curious blend of aloof smugness and Embarrassing Grandad, and I truly despair as to where this may all be leading to. It was almost endearing watching a nervous Wolves try and convulute a reason to throw away three points today, when in reality they should have massacred us and done their goal difference the world of good. We were terrible. We are terrible.