Frederick

She just gets better and better.

Ah, I give up. Gareth, do whatever the hell you want, son. Force Grealish to serve you cups of tea in the technical area, stick Sam Johnstone upfront, let Baddiel and Skinner give the team talk in pigeon Aramaic, play the new Van Morrison album over the Wembley PA before, after and during the game. Hell, if it rains and you fancy a brolly then you settle for nothing less than one with full Mary Poppins capabilities.

Forget Juicy Friday, all hail Manic Monday! Croatia-Spain was health and safety training on a grey morning in Luton compared to the towering, shimmering, barmy shenanigans of France-Switzerland! Why were France how they were in the first half, who is Lenglet's agent and how has he blagged his man a career like this, are we quite sure the cameras didn't miss Xhaka chucking someone through a plate of glass because I could've sworn he wasn't supposed to be able to handle such occasions (but boy did he). The penalty, the immediate wake-up of all the French power-beasts (except one, let's be honest), the unfathomable comeback, the BUTTER WOULDN'T MELT penalty taking (Akanjiiiii!), it feels like Sommer to me!

Ahem. Feared we might have a dour 0-0 on our hands but that was a lot of fun with a legendary own goal, roaring comeback and moment of glory for a certain much maligned forward. Friday could be juicy.

Think most knew a trio of cuddly wins at home didn't suddenly make the Dutch formidable but that was still a pretty limp display. I'm sure everyone'll be putting the boot in on De Ligt, who, befitting of his age and position, is clearly some way off from becoming Mr Consistency. As for the Czechs: meaty but there's some silk there; I ain't playing them twice!

While the red-tops act like it's 1940, the usual "No, WE'RE rubbish and YOU'LL beat us easily!" pre-game chatter among brunch-class German and English fans is alive and well, coupled with obligatory articles reminding Bulldog Dave (who isn't reading anyway because of the pinko-media paywall) that Onkel Fritz cares more about beating the Dutch and Italians, so best to calm down a bit.

You'd be heartless not to feel for the Hungarians, Germany were frighteningly bad in every which way imaginable. God knows who'll show up on Tuesday, the bundle of energy that ripped through Portugal or the incoherent nowhere men of last night (yes, we could obviously lose to both). If Southgate doesn't set his silkiest greyhounds on ol' man Hummels, I'll be calling into Talksport to declare it an act of treason.

Bit better, though suffice to say the Mail went with "Rampant Lions roar into Euros last 16" which is a bit like the old days of NME proclaiming a band the best in the world based on one good middle-eight from their debut EP. Seemed to me H-Magz for Mings was a bit pointless but Saka's selection worked out, Jack drew the fouls and bagged the assist, Kane had a bit more about him, even Irrelevant Till You're United Sancho was permitted entry onto the field of play for the barest of sniffs. The Czechs are alright, I'd be surprised if any team blew them apart in the knockouts.

*Checks off Ousmane Dembele Tournament Ending Injury on his Euro 2020 bingo card*

Bold is the coach who lets an 80 year-old Pepe on the same pitch as Gnabry. The Wembley big screen whooper-a-thon isn't meshing with Uncle Gareth's pragmabore ways, a hairy arsed contest out in Baku would probably suit this team.

Move the game to 6am or whenever it was we played Nigeria in 2002 and maybe the masses won't mind as much? In lieu of an intriguing sporting contest, they could bring in John Motson to talk about breakfast, as I recall him doing for the entirety of that World Cup, even when the game before him was quite good. Or install Wazza Roo on the pitch at the end for a bit of "night to have ya own fans boo ya!" Algeria 0-0 energy and just burn the whole thing down.

Anemic about covers it. Scotland did what it said on the tin and credit to them, meanwhile we the ones with all the "vibrant ball carriers" seem to have decided that the one decent move we had against Croatia was an aberration to be frightened of, that "patient build-up" capped off with a clipped ball over the top (the heavier the better!) to a clapped out Hazza K. is the be-all and end-all move. Three man comm box was a good touch by ITV, though, enabling Ally and Dixie to crowd out Matterface's amped up prattle. Hey, they can stop showing that Gazza goal now!

Dortmund Always Give Yoof A Chance...except when they don't. A proper mishandling of a special talent, knew it then, know it now.

Credit to El Chimpface (woeful pen aside), Rambo (bad misses aside) and the rest of the bechgyn for a job well done, Turkey barely looked arsed going forward even with the crowd baying them on. I shall be making other plans for when they play the Swiss, that's for sure.

"Yippee, Alvaro Morata." - no one ever.

The A Shot at Glory thespian brings an everyman's amiable curiosity to the job; not only that, he's every bit as good in a panel setting as he is in the co-comm thunderdome. His chemistry with Jon Champion, in particular, is very winning and didn't half make some of those dour Christmas Amazon games zip along. As for Andy's posting in the wilds of the Great White North, I'm afraid chalk it up to John Oates syndrome (note: I reject the premise that John Oates isn't fantastic on his own, personally, but I'm using a known cultural shorthand. Also, I recognise comparing Clive Tyldesley to Daryl Hall may strike some as overzealous). I also wish to mention Hal Robson-Kanu, whose utterances though bland were at least spoken with utmost velvety softness. You can tell he can sing. May be one to look out for.

Clive Tyldesley was definitely ready to roar "TIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" with appropriate effervescence in the event the young defender bagged himself a goal last night (Jonathan Pearce would've likewise done the moment justice). Meanwhile overpromoted Sam Matterface and his gravelly mouth full of sandpaper would've, of course, undersold the occasion while Guy Mowbray has time and again shown he lacks sufficient lung capacity for the big moments. Is it too late to bring in Kevin Keegan as a co-comm or does Euro 96 nostalgia only extend so far with the powers-that-be?

Job done. Group stage football in a nutshell really: occasional glimpses of skill and verve but largely a tepid affair lacking ambition. That said, only wild horses could drag me away from a weekday afternoon date with Scotland-Czech Republic.

I'll go cagey draw with Croatia, a scabby win over the overenthusiastic Scots ala Wales Euro 2016 (a McGinn booking before the 10th minute, naturally) before a functional victory against the Czechs that gets the #ItsComingHome crew foaming into their Deliveroos, while the smugo podcasting class distract themselves with bigger thoughts, e.g why Spurs should sign North Macedonia's right-back based on a couple of tidy throw-ins in one game, how France-Germany affects Daniel Levy, and why Finland-Russia is a game Arsenal fans should pay particular attention to because Arteta's ninth choice central midfield target plays for CSK....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Has Ancelotti's backroom staff for Real being confirmed yet? With Big Dunc chasing him, Hazard would be as fit as a butcher's dog!

Their recent tonking of Sevilla caught my attention (while the victory over Arsenal raised the barest of chuckles given its sheer inevitability); Lord knows an outfit with Bacca, Moreno and wee Paco should have a certain agreeable flavour to it. That being said, the Europa final was absolute pants till the banter ending. 120+ minutes in the company of BT Sport's deep bench of cack pundits didn't help.

Double post???!!!

Youth Cup win a nice exclamation mark to the best Villa season in years (can't be reiterated enough how doomed we seemed pre-Project Restart (and a fair way into it, too)). If you don't believe in miracles, consider the fact that Matt Targett has been one of the best left-backs in the league this season. One never quite knows what the market will or won't be like for Jack, but taking that off the table for a second, with some canny moves in the summer I see no reason why we can't finish higher next time out. Failing that, can we at least beat Burnley (and ten other teams but definitely make Burnley one of them)?

Commiserations Michael. I'm sure by now somber inquests are a staple of every Sunderland supporter's diet, is there a consensus among the brethren on where blame rests for another failed campaign? Does LJ, for example, evade any culpability given the preceding miserabilist reign of Parky? That sudden downturn in form in April was a real head scratcher from the outside looking in. Something that came up the other day that hadn't occurred to me before was that Sunderland haven't done the Big Club Loitering in the Doldrums thing of hoovering up the better players of the smaller overachieving teams in and amongst them, I suppose because the Netflix owners had had enough. By no means a bulletproof strategy (Scott Hogan, etc) but I'm presuming the new owners have a bit of financial muscle relative to the division, so it'll be interesting to see how they go about recruitment in the months ahead.

Do love me some Mart Poom, I'd bracket him in that Marcus Hedman tier of goalies that for a brief shining moment in the early 00s seemed to have a blue chip move a few paces away (I'm discounting the Poomeister's later tenure at Arsenal as he was only ever intended to be back-up). Unlike many a flowery Euro dandy that rocked up at the Stadium of Light over the years you know Big Marty never complained about the weather in Sunderland a day in his life. It's a shame Estonia haven't qualified for the Euros as he'd no doubt be a steadfast pundit even in his non-native tongue.