Frederick

Without trying to diminish a Young English Manager, it was awfully decent of Fulham to resume their early season rubbishness just as there seemed a possibility of a decent relegation scrap. Hopefully the lads and lasses on the sofa can ensure Scotty gets 990 games to perfect his craft like Brucey.

No doubting he's been a galvanising supply teacher for a meek minded/supremely talented if underachieving squad but whether he'd make a good fist of it at, say, Bremen is an entirely different prospect. I won't begrudge him the right to move on but (from my admittedly partisan POV) I'd be more impressed if he stayed, at least for a time, and grew his tactical acumen.

Gonna tell my kids this is Crick and Watson.

Any particulars to explain the recent wobble? The defeat to Wigan in particular looked a real groaner.

Looks like a pretty boy actor seeking credibility by playing a racist cop in a miserable little film that's a big hit at Sundance but which fails to gain Oscar traction (incidentally, such a film would be more entertaining than anything said or written about the iNjUsTiCe of dear wittle Trenty Boo not making the England squad).

Congratulations, Michael! Truly an oven ready performance from LJ's lads and hey, at least we can say we got battered by the eventual winners!

"No, my child, you misread the prophecy. I speak not of Moyes, but Lambert."

Obviously I meant to say PSG, Real Madrid, Bayern and Man City.

Good to see some Will Grigg drama on January deadline day again, get in the Netflix cameras before the price ends up pipping Neymar's!

Arriverderci to his Franklyness. He furrowed his brow, mistakenly barked his commands in pitch perfect Latin instead of English and German, held mostly fruitless grudges and obsessed over Declan Rice to levels that would have had any average citizen sent to an asylum; but still, an enjoyable tenure overall. Chelsea definitely have shades of being the big bucks version of latter day Wenger era Arsenal, good for a monthly slap around of some lesser light team and a cup run or two, but softies at their core. Tuchel obviously infinitely more credentialed, but not exactly a day at the beach, so combined with the club's penchant for scummy antics, I predict the whispery media briefings against him begin in about a week or two.

I'd like to see our Joseph back in the hot seat sooner rather than later, not least because I fear he'll write a novel or burn down a fish & chip shop if he's got too much downtime. "Youri, is that you, fella? Yeah, it's Big Sam. Yeah, good, thanks. The thing is, lad, I'm getting the band back together for one last job. Yeah, I know, you're 52 years-old, but so is Fernando Hierro, and he's already sliced Charlie Austin's leg off in training. Come on, your C.V'll look empty 'til you've played alongside Jake Livermore. Hello? Hello? Bonjour? Little Sam, what's wrong with this line?!"

Goodnight, Lucien. Anything other than an absolute drubbing yesterday and I doubt this happens, but it did (oh, sweet unforgiving baby Jesus and the three wise men, how it ever did), and I'm not going to fight it one way or the other. A good man with some admirable traits, no doubt, but performances have by and large been hard to love for quite some time, with yesterday a simply pathetic denouement to his reign.

No way are we going to do the sensible, obvious, essential thing and follow up a decent win today by blasting Burnley and West Brom, but today was a nice antidote to the nonsense defeat at West Ham. Either way, we're light years better than we were last season.

Can Thomas Partey do it on a cold Tuesday night at Oakwell? Will P-E Aubemayang be able to handle the pressures of playing at Kenilworth Road? Will Granit Xhaka combust the first time Britt Assombalonga nutmegs him? Stay tuned for David Ornstein's 30,000 word tome on all this and much, much more!

Not only did Gary's son swoop in for his first game without so much as unpacking his Filofax, he changed the goalie, formation and brought my eternal rosebud Aiden McGeady in from the cold in a scene that I presume was as burly and intense as that one in the Fast & Furious franchise where The Rock brawled with Jason Statham/let him out of prison to help "the family" (even though Jason's character, er, murdered one of said family in the previous film). Will Arteta's replacement have the courage to do the same with Mesut O. for Arsenal's impending battle against relegation? I'll wait to see what Chunkz and the Saturday Social ladz think and get back to you!

Seeing Gary Megson at 40/1 warms my heart. Netflix would be back at the SOL like a shot, were such a glorious eventuality to transpire.

Taxi for Parky. Quite intriguing timing given the rumours of a takeover by young Kyril. Seemed things were going relatively well just a month ago then the goals dried up with the Griggs n' Graham axis looking particularly bereft. My impression was you weren't much of a fan of PP, so how are we feeling, @Michael*? Who do the fans want?

Scotland almost have the makings of a half-decent team, compared to the absolute drivel the Irish served up at Wembley, you'd say Stevie C.'s got them playing liquid football. More importantly, is there any chance Del Amitri pen another cripplingly dour song to serenade the nation?

The Tekkerz generation can't take a penalty without looking like an absolute spatula.

I get that Madrid needed to clear the decks of a lumpy squad and save some wonga during these Strange & Uncertain Times, but if Militao is part of the remedy, then maybe I'll stick with the illness. Asensio, I just don't get it. I probably never will. Varane, wakey wakey, old bean. Jovic, does one choose to laugh or cry? They'll still probably win La Liga, such is the state of things, but I suggest we all get ourselves an Eden Hazard endorsed Cadbury bar and watch Sociedad instead.

Praise so begrudging it feels threatening, inane conspiracy, casual xenophobia, awkward glances at David Jones, fair to say my Graeme Souness bingo board was fully covered yesterday.

I thought Felix Passlack scoring for Dortmund was going to be the most surprising event of the football weekend. I was wrong.

Welcome aboard, Big Ross Barkley. Going to put my neck on the block by saying I think you'll do better than the last Ross to grace our colours, as well as our last midfield loan signing from Chelsea.

With Cocu struggling at Derby it's only a matter of time before they instigate Project Wayne Rooney: Player-Manager, so I suggest United sack OGS today to ensure they bag their man. Ed Woodward'll know they can't afford to let this one slip, like they did with Alan Curbishley in 2001.

Cautious optimism as you'd expect, but credit to the owners and Purslow for stepping it up and paying the big boy wages to pip other teams to the targets we really wanted. Certainly can't argue with Martinez, finally after fifty attempts we have obtained a goalie who's appropriately aged, able bodied and seemingly of sound mind, all at the same time. Cash will need time but fits the profile of needing more from right-back going forward, though I'd be happy to keep Guilbert as back-up as I think he's quite decent. If Engels were to leave, we'd surely need another centre-half to come into the squad, preferably a hairy arsed veteran, given the injury record/inexperience of Mings, Konsa and Hause (who I just don't think is of the requisite level anyway, to be honest). As you saw last night, when Jack isn't up to speed things can transpire lethargically, I'm hoping Traore and er, Some Other New Signing can inject some much needed velocity and craft because we can't afford to be a one man band creatively. McGinn has mostly looked way off the boil since he returned from injury, Hourihane is pretty mercurial, Trezeguet is a cameo giver and everybody's favourite, Dougie Luiz, has got enough to do as it is. I'd be lying if I said I'd seen much of Watkins before the play-off final, but if he gets 12 goals in the league this season I'll pay for the statue*of him outside the ground myself (*reduced to a matchstick man if we get relegated).