Move to our country to marry some baldy posho trillionaire and then have the temerity to support the bid of the motherland over ours. Bloody women, they never know which way their caviare toasty is buttered.

When I saw Natalia in her leopard print dress, even my temporary gut reaction was "let's give it to Russia" - and it's common knowledge that Old Man Sepp's mind works in a similar kneejerk fashion. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's absence from the English campaign was a massive oversight on our part. :persuazn:

^Certainly! Although it's difficult to explain the role of the Qatari female delegation:

^Would have been a very effective way of sneaking the FIFA panel out of the Zurich headquarters.

It's surely no coincidence that Rosie was busy with Transformers 3 and VSFS, thus depleting our delegation and limiting our chances. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I blame Michael Bay and Ed Razek for the whole sorry affair.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that I blame Michael Bay and Ed Razek for the whole sorry affair.

^Between them they already have much to answer for (Pearl Harbor, Kylie Bisutti etc.), one more travesty will merely be water off a duck's back for those two!

But during my time in the UK this year, I was under the impression that David Beckham was magic - and could achieve anything?

Plus, surely all William needed to do was to put his head down and look up with his big eyes ala Lady Di and anybody would do what he wanted too... Ah, such lost chances!

I'm fairly neutral with regard to Becks. He strikes me as a decent enough guy and a good pro who made the most out of relatively limited gifts, but he's seemingly become the "Twilight Saga" of football, in that he provokes extreme reactions like nobody's business. I often wonder if people's sentiments towards him are genuine or just amplified in order to piss off those of a different opinion.

Same goes for Wills really, though I get the feeling his popularity might wane when he starts looking a bit more like Charlie.

If only we'd had Boris Johnson (as well as Rosie) on the case -

but back then I reckon a hastily assembled Bellazon 11 could have given them a run for their money!

I have dibs on right midfield!

I have little sympathy for the English bid if only for the fact that they were so dismissive of the Belgian-Dutch joint bid. It was not inferior in any way to theirs. The fact that we had four times as many votes as them in the first round was pretty sweet.

Doesn't change the fact that FIFA are a bunch of crooks though. But what else is new!

The main result of this mess might be that FIFA will have a harder time attracting countries willing to submit a bid, especially in Europe.

It also puts question marks around FIFA's respect and anti-racism campaigns. Every black footballer who has played in Russia has experienced racism from the stands. Of course they are not unique in that respect - Spain and Italy still have their own problems in that department. The difference is that their respective governments and FAs are trying to fix the problem whilst their Russian counterparts refuse to even acknowledge it.

And I won't even get into the women's rights and homophobia issues that go along with awarding the cup to Qatar. Nor the workers rights abuse that is so systematic in that country that it (nearly) equates slavery. Nice to know that those world cup stadia will be built by a force of immigrant de facto slave laborers.

Next time you see a FIFA "RESPECT" ad or poster, spit on it please.

homophobia ? slavery ? who cares , they have plenty of oil and the money flows out their ears

homophobia ? slavery ? who cares , they have plenty of oil and the money flows out their ears

Well yes, that seems to have been the reasoning. We all knew that FIFA was crooked, I just never realized there cared so little about keeping up appearances.

but back then I reckon a hastily assembled Bellazon 11 could have given them a run for their money!

I have dibs on right midfield!

I'll take central midfield or if we're short in defence, fill in at right-back.

Hands up who meant to buy Nasri for Fantasy Football this week and forgot.

I have little sympathy for the English bid if only for the fact that they were so dismissive of the Belgian-Dutch joint bid. It was not inferior in any way to theirs. The fact that we had four times as many votes as them in the first round was pretty sweet.

Welcome to politics.

Anyhoo, Qatar. What do they do with the stadiums afterwards, invite rock bands to play thirty year residencies? And a lasting footballing legacy for a country with less than two million people? Spare me yo' lies, Blatter. And how the hell are you going to lure people to fan zones in market squares in unbearable heat and without easy access to alcohol? My understanding (Wikipedia) is that booze is available only in the nicest of hotels and is in rather limited supply. So based on fundamental 'manly needs', there's no pubs, no betting shops/casinos and God knows what they do to people thinking of setting up brothels or strip clubs. Sounds about as fun as staging a stag weekend in a very clean bathroom.

A.A. Gill is away

Anyhoo, Qatar. What do they do with the stadiums afterwards, invite rock bands to play thirty year residencies? And a lasting footballing legacy for a country with less than two million people? Spare me yo' lies, Blatter. And how the hell are you going to lure people to fan zones in market squares in unbearable heat and without easy access to alcohol? My understanding (Wikipedia) is that booze is available only in the nicest of hotels and is in rather limited supply. So based on fundamental 'manly needs', there's no pubs, no betting shops/casinos and God knows what they do to people thinking of setting up brothels or strip clubs. Sounds about as fun as staging a stag weekend in a very clean bathroom.

A.A. Gill is away

As I understand it, the plan is to demolish the venues after the tournament and rebuild them brick by brick in third world countries, all of whom are (ahem) presumably in desperate need of extravagantly designed, space-age football grounds. A spectacular waste of money by anyone's standards, but no doubt Sepp and the gang will see it as Qatar's money to waste.

CHRIS HUGHTGONE!

I'd now like to see fictional character and certifiable Newcastle legend Santiago Mu

Come on Diego Maradona!

As we all know, every club has it's fair share of idiotic fans whose kneejerk reactions and general lamebrainedness give the rest a bad name. Our illustrious neighbours on the other hand, are run by them.

"Real and Barca better than United"

Valencia coach Unai Emery does not believe Manchester United are quite at the same level as Spanish giants Barcelona and Real Madrid.

Emery takes his side to Old Trafford on Tuesday looking for a win that would not only mean the United defence had been breached for the first time in this season's Champions League but would allow Valencia to leapfrog their opponents to claim top spot in Group C.

Yet, even if they fail in that quest, Emery does not feel Valencia will be meeting the side who should be regarded as favourites to conquer Europe at Wembley next May.

"Real and Barcelona are the best two club sides in the world," he said.

"Manchester United are almost level with them but I think they are just behind."

As Valencia cannot be paired with Real, who defeated them at the weekend, or Barca in the first knockout round, it could be argued United have the greater incentive to achieve a positive result.

Emery is not so sure.

With David Silva sent to attend the game and cheer on the club he joined as a 14-year-old and spent a decade with before joining Manchester City for £24million last summer, Emery feels Valencia have a wider motive.

"At the start of the Champions League we had two aims," he revealed.

"First, we wanted to qualify, which we have achieved. Secondly, we wanted to win the group.

"There are many reasons for doing that. For us it is not about wanting to avoid certain opponents.

"We want to show to the rest of Europe that we can produce a top performance at a big club.

"There are so many good teams in this competition. We want to get a result that will make other teams take notice of us and stand us in good stead for the remainder of the tournament."

Goalkeeper Cesar Sanchez had been a doubt with a calf injury.

However, Sanchez has travelled, which Emery views as a major positive and the former Tottenham man should start.

Ferguson: BPL standards are soaring

Sir Alex Ferguson insists the quality of the Premier League is still getting better.

One win from five for Chelsea, too many draws for Manchester United and three home defeats already at Arsenal have led to a far more open top flight this term - and a widespread conclusion that standards have fallen.

Ferguson's immediate task is to find a way for his United to beat Valencia in the Champions League on Tuesday.

However, with Arsenal and Chelsea his side's next two league opponents, domestic matters clearly occupy a significant place in his thoughts.

And, rather than agree his own side are among a group of underperforming title contenders, Ferguson is adamant the league is getting stronger.

"It is a strange Premier League this season," he said.

""We have to give credit to the lower parts of the league who are now catching up and condensing it into a much tighter competition.

"The table is like we are used to seeing in the Championship every year where you win two games and you are challenging for the play-off spots.

"Only a few weeks ago Sunderland were down the bottom. Now they are challenging for a European place.

"That is the kind of league we are in at the moment.

"It is difficult to assess whether it is the teams at the top who are failing or the one below them getting better.

"I think it is the lower teams getting better because the standard has improved."

The immediate priority though is avoiding a defeat on Tuesday. In addition to potentially allowing United to become the first team to go through an entire group phase programme without conceding a goal, anything other than a loss would confirm top spot in Group C.

And that would allow United to side-step Real Madrid and Madrid's five-goal conquerors Barcelona in next week's knock-out phase draw.

"If you get Barcelona on one of their good days they can do that to anyone," said Ferguson.

"It was a marvellous performance but even before the Champions League started they would have been one of the favourites.

"Like everyone else, they have days when they can be beaten but the sensible approach is to avoid the bigger hitters and we can only do that if we do finish first in our group."

"Listen, we all know what's probably gone on. It was amazing that suddenly two such wealthy countries have ended up with the World Cup there. It's like going on X Factor, coming on, doing what you do. You're either good or you're not good. It's not a case then you go back, meet up with the judges for a couple of days and have a chat and say, 'You should be voting for me really. I'm a sexy bird, I'll get my gear off for you'. What's it all about?" - Sir Harold Redknapp

P.S. Pardew on a five-year contract - that's gotta hurt.

Pardew has been largely atrocious in his last few managerial stints and the idea that he brings more sustainability than Hughton is beyond a joke, in fact he is neither a big name nor a safe pair of hands. Oh there'll be plenty of ideas forthcoming, but a lot of them will be highly questionable and verging on daft. Business as usual for da Toon, then! If he survives a year then he's done well.

Christ almighty, this is a club that beat us 6-0! What the hell does that say about us?

And us 5-1, but let's just gloss over that part for now...

Fancy getting rid of a thoroughly decent guy with the right ethics and attitude, who somehow turned a bunch of wasters and thugs into an effective side, and replacing him with a thoroughly unpleasant berk who rarely has a good word to say about anyone but himself, and who presumably realises that he isn't wanted by the players, coaching staff or fans. It's very rare that I actually feel for our friends in the north, but this is all too reminiscent of when Howard "I think I've just seen a guillemot" Wilkinson took over as our manager. And we all know how that one turned out.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: ASTON VILLA VERSUS WEST BROM SPECIAL

1066: As much of the population heads to Hastings for a fight in a field, an equally epic contest takes place some 200 miles away as Aston Villa host West Bromwich Albion at Villa Park. Though dominant in possession and utterly brilliant in every way, West Brom fail to win.

1666: As the Great Fire of London causes havoc across the East End, up in the Midlands plucky Aston Villa entertain West Bromwich Albion at Villa Park. Despite playing lots of lovely football and being as good as the Brazil side of 1970, West Brom stun the entire universe by not winning.

Etc, etc, etc, infinity.

Awww... Poor little Carlito wants to come home to Argentina. Maybe he's fed up with wearing that gloves and 'snood' combo? As much as I'd love him to turn up on Banfield's books I suspect that's a long-shot. Anyway, good to know my Fantasy Football 'Captain's Curse' will maybe strike a third time this season!