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The Jokes Thread

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ok here are two funny ones my health teacher (yes the teacher told 2 incredibly dirty jokes) told us today

there was this lady who had no arms or legs, she just sat in her chair on the beach all day long. one day a guy walked by her and she says to him, "excuse me, i know its a bit weird of me to ask but...well i haven't been hugged in a long time, so can you hug me so i know how it feels again?" the man didnt think anything of it so he picked her up and hugged her, then went on his way. he passed by her again and she says to him again, "hi, sorry again, but i havent been kissed in a long time either. i know its weird to ask but can you give me a kiss so i know how it feels again?" the man thought about it for a while and didnt think any harm could come from it so he picked her up and kissed her, then went on his way. later again he passed by her again and she goes "excuse me, i know its a bit weird to ask but...i havent been loved in a long time. could you please...you know...fool around with me so i can know what its like to have sex again?" the man thought for a few seconds, then picked her up and threw her in the ocean and said, "there, now you're fucked."

--------------------------------------------

there was this business man who was on a business trip for several weeks away from his family. he saw an attractive callgirl at the corner of the bar he was at and thought, "well, it has been a while and im feeling really lonely....my wife will never find out so i guess ill just ask her for some services." so he goes over to the woman and says, "excuse me miss...but i've been away from my home for weeks and i'm feeling very lonely and well....i wanted to know if i could buy a blowjob off of you." the woman replied "i give the best blowjobs in the whole world. you see this pearl necklace? i bought it with the money i got from my blowjobs. my blowjobs cost 150 bucks if you want one." so the man said ok and paid her and it was the best blowjob he ever had. he liked her blowjob so much that he asked her again and said, "i really liked your blowjob and i was wondering....if we could do doggy style." the woman replied, "i have the best doggy style in the world. see this diamond ring and my fur coat? i bought these with the money from my doggy style. its 150 bucks if you want my doggy style." so he paid the callgirl and it was the best doggy style he ever had. then he starts thinking that shes the best sex he has ever had so he asks her, "mam....this has been the best sex i've ever had, and i wanted to know if i could buy you for the rest of the night." the callgirl replied, "I pull the best all nighters in the world. see that skyscraper, i bought that with the money i made from my all-nighters. it will cost you 15000 for an all-nighter." he agreed and it was the best sex he had ever had. then in the morning he told the callgirl, "wow you really are good." and he paid her. then the callgirl replied, "yea, now if i only had a pussy i'd own this whole city!"

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:laugh:

A young lady comes home from a date rather upset. She tells her mother, "Lenny proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you sad?" her mother asks.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist," the girl responds. "Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell."

Her mother replies, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is."

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Guest quasicartes

There is only one constant... one truth... Causality.

Cause, effect. Action, reaction.

For example, children in the dark causes accident and accident in the dark causes children.

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Guest quasicartes

Two Words Guy Hate…Don't And Stop Unless You Put Them Together!

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Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A: A washing machine doesn’t follow you around for a week after you put a load in it.

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:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  

disco stu i read the second one in playboy

yeah, that's the reason why you buy playboy, right? for the jokes...

:laugh: :whistle:

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post some funny things that have happend/you said...ill start with some stuff from last night.

at dinner before the dance

my friend: wow dont get him started on paintball

girl next to me: paintball is awesome! i have a spyder imagine

me: YES!

*couple mins later the girl tells a pretty funny/dirty joke*

me: ok i got one....you're not a feminist right? oh well i dont care...what do you tell a girl with 2 black eyes?

her: nothing you already told her twice

me: *speechless looking around* wow you're amazing.

later the 2 hottest girls at the dance that i spent time with started grinding on me...then one of the girl's dates jumps on my side and starts grinding on me, then the 2 girls leave. i push him over and yell "GOD YOU FUCKING BROKE IT!"

later that same kid's date and my friend's girlfriend start dancing together.

me: lets make em jelous

him: yea ok

*we start dancing together*

me to the girls: YEA WHAT NOW

*we stop dancing*

him:ok i think that was short enough to not be gay

me: agreed

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not really a joke but an aim convo i had with my friend's girlfriend....this is before we ever met and im amazed we're actually friends

Vespa Woman 777: WHATS UP ********!?

n1tro junkie: um....hello?

Vespa Woman 777: You are too rich and suck at paintball.

n1tro junkie: you lost my attention when you said "you are too rich" since this is impossible

n1tro junkie: so are you carr's girlfriend daniela?

Vespa Woman 777: thats half right

n1tro junkie: oh shit you're jaime

n1tro junkie: oh god carr's gonna kill me....

Vespa Woman 777: oh yeah, stephens a pimp.

Vespa Woman 777: you didnt know that?

n1tro junkie: he said you were a whore i thought he was just being an ass though

Vespa Woman 777: Oh he wasn't lying, You might have seen me in all those pornos you watch.

n1tro junkie: well im human, if your boyfriend keeps sending me videos im bound to watch a few of them

n1tro junkie: which reminds me, what the hell is with him and horses?

Vespa Woman 777: Well, he does have good taste.

n1tro junkie: ah so you're into beastiality too i see

n1tro junkie: im more a scat porn person myself but to each his own i guess

Vespa Woman 777: Yep.

n1tro junkie: wow you suck at this game

Vespa Woman 777: I'm sorry, i really honestly don't know much about porn. It's hard to act like I do.

n1tro junkie: sorry, would you rather change the topic to something easier for you, like kittens or small puppies?

Vespa Woman 777: I'm not that dense.

n1tro junkie: just checking

n1tro junkie: theres really only two ways to check, and to do it the other way id have to poke you with a stick and i dont have a stick that long readily available

Vespa Woman 777: Too bad.

n1tro junkie: yea, those mile long sticks are hard to come by.

Vespa Woman 777: And expensive too.

n1tro junkie: meh, they arent too bad if you get one of those made in guatamala by children slave laborers

n1tro junkie: they dont last as long though, only good for 2 or 3 pokings

Vespa Woman 777: Yes, they don't have the same quality.

n1tro junkie: hard to make quality sticks with only 7 fingers

n1tro junkie: but thats really their fault, they should learn to widdle faster

Vespa Woman 777: Those poor factory kids....

n1tro junkie: their fault for being born

Vespa Woman 777: Well, it's not really our problem anyway...it's he government's!

n1tro junkie: no, their problem is a shitty economy which is solved by child slave labor...vicious cycle but i need my pointy sticks and soccer balls to come from somewhere

Vespa Woman 777: Not to mention ridiculously futuristic tenis shoes.

n1tro junkie: yes, those 7 fingered guatamalan children do wonders for my hammer toes

Vespa Woman 777: I'm particularly fond of the Nike Shocks....so many varieties

n1tro junkie: why yes, because they make you jump higher....especially since everyone jumps off their heels instead of their toes

Vespa Woman 777: Exactly, who doesn't need a pair of shows that make you was to be athletic....i know a few little fat kids who have shocks down on their christmas list

Vespa Woman 777: shoes*

Vespa Woman 777: want*

n1tro junkie: you know what, i was going to respond to that but its really insulting so im going to pretend you didnt say that

Vespa Woman 777: Oh really? I was told your a little skinny techie with glasses....i didn't think the discription of a fat kid would offend you

Vespa Woman 777: So then, do you have shocks on your chirstmas list too?

n1tro junkie: they dont cost enough to make it on my list

Vespa Woman 777: I see and what are you asking Santa for this year little boy?

n1tro junkie: besides hardcore pornography?

Vespa Woman 777: Yes, besides that.

n1tro junkie: nothing

Vespa Woman 777: No yachts, condos, or cars?

n1tro junkie: well im asking for 7 black, extraordinarily well-hung midgets but i didnt mention it because it sort of falls under the category of porn

Vespa Woman 777: Hmm You must be making a heafty donation to the homeless shelter this year then huh?

n1tro junkie: fuck the homeless

Vespa Woman 777: At least they dont wear glasses...

n1tro junkie: but they smell as bad as your boyfriend

Vespa Woman 777: Dearest, If all the homeless people in the world smelt like my boyfriend, I would fuck them.

n1tro junkie: im pretty sure thats how aids was started

Vespa Woman 777: No, your confusing the homeless with Africans.

n1tro junkie: so you got nailed by a bunch of africans and started aids?

Vespa Woman 777: Nope, never been to Africa and most whores, like myself, have experience. They are careful to avoid potential aids carriers.

Vespa Woman 777: Thats why we don't do techies

n1tro junkie: hahahaha so i guess your bf hasnt gotten lucky yet

Vespa Woman 777: He doesnt count, he's my pimp.

n1tro junkie: damn he's pretty poor, how much do you cost for a night anyways? im not asking for myself though, i only have $5 on me and i dont like carrying spare change, otherwise i might ask you to show me a good time

Vespa Woman 777: Agian, Stephen is my pimp. He get's everything on the house.

Vespa Woman 777: I'm a ho with courtesy

n1tro junkie: im talking about what you charge a regular customer

n1tro junkie: cus i mean if you were making good cash i dont think he'd have to ask his grand mommy for some new ram for his super leet computer

Vespa Woman 777: At least we dont wear glasses....

n1tro junkie: oh that hurt, im going to go cry myself to sleep now. especially since i choose to wear glasses and everything.

Vespa Woman 777: At least we're smart enough to know glasses arn't cool.

n1tro junkie: at least im smart enough to not give a damn what you think is cool

Vespa Woman 777: Ooo, I'm sensing a little hostility here.

Vespa Woman 777: Take a deep breath and count to ten.

n1tro junkie: i've been making fun of you and your boyfriend all night, if you're just picking up on the hostility then you're pretty damn dense

n1tro junkie: and i dont count to ten, i set 20 dollar bills on fire and watch them burn to nothing, then i feel better

Vespa Woman 777: Have you tired taking a bubble bath, that usually works quite nicely.

n1tro junkie: i only bath in money

n1tro junkie: otherwise i shower myself in expensive champagne

Vespa Woman 777: Have you any idea how dirty money is? You must be pretty grody after a couple weeks.

n1tro junkie: and yet ill still smell better than your boyfriend

Vespa Woman 777: I highly doubt that.

n1tro junkie: i shouldnt be proud of that though, thats like beating a monkey at checkers

Vespa Woman 777: Unless the monkeys a highly evolved-smell-good-Brad-Pitt sort of monkey

n1tro junkie: whos hostile now

Vespa Woman 777: Oh, I'm not hostile.

Vespa Woman 777: I'm just thinking about how much im going to laugh when i see your picture in the CBC year book.

n1tro junkie: yes, and then just think about the gigantic wad of 20s in my wallet

Vespa Woman 777: And then i'll think of how such an ugly little fucktard like you could have all that money and then i'll remember it was all inheritance

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Is that all?

Vespa Woman 777: Dearest, If all the homeless people in the world smelt like my boyfriend, I would fuck them.  

Loved that part... :laugh:

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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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Dam Good Repsonse

Mr. Ryan DeVries

2088 Dagget

Pierson, MI 49339

December 17, 2002

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price

District Representative

Land and Water Management Division

[Response sent back…]

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.

I am the legal landowner but not the contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (state unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, be aware that they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter due to inability to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area: the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods! I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step (the bears are not careful where they dump).

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your day office via another dam government organization - the USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there…

Sincerely, Stephen L. Tvedten

The University of Texas at Austin

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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.  

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."  

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.  

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."  

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.  

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"  

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

:laugh:

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