“My God! What happened to you?” the bartender asks Sean as he hobbles in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

“I got in a tiff with Riley,” he replies.

“Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the bartender says. “He must have had a weapon in his hand.”

“That he did. A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“Aye, that I did—Mrs. Riley’s left tit,” Sean laments. “And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.”

A man and a woman who have never met before are assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a transcontinental train. After some initial awkwardness, they settle into their respective berths for the night.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over, wakes up the woman, and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?”

The woman leans out and says with a grin, “I have a better idea. Just for tonight let’s pretend we’re married.”

“You mean…”

“Yep, get your own damn blanket!”

A woman goes on a bus, the bus driver looks at the woman and says, "Man thats one ugly baby."

The woman looks at the bus driver and says, "How dare you say something like that to me?"

She goes to the back of the bus, and the lady says to a man, "I'm gonna go up there and give that bus driver a piece of my mind."

The man says "OK, let me hold your monkey."

What is the best part of a blow job?

The 5 minutes of silence.

A priest walks by a hooker, who shouts, “Hey, father, I’ll give you a blow job for 10 bucks!”

The embarrassed priest then bumps into a nun from his church. “Perhaps you can help me, sister,” he says. “What’s a blow job?”

“Ten bucks,” the nun replies. “Same as everywhere else.”

i dont get it man. ur jokes are off the wall

oh that is wrong. bwahahahaha

“My God! What happened to you?” the bartender asks Sean as he hobbles in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

“I got in a tiff with Riley,” he replies.

“Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the bartender says. “He must have had a weapon in his hand.”

“That he did. A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“Aye, that I did—Mrs. Riley’s left tit,” Sean laments. “And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.”

HAHAHHAHAA

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small

town. He`s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde

woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I`ve heard just about

enough of your denigrating blond jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can

stereotype women that way? What does a person`s physical attributes have to do

with their worth as a human being? It`s guys like you who keep women like me

from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential

as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination

against not only blondes but women at large all in the name of humor." Flustered,

the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond says, "You stay out of this,

Mister! I`m talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

i've heard that its great, but speaking of blondes:

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn’t hear her correctly and says, “Come again?”

The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, “Oh, no it’s just mustard this time.”

goodnight everyone

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?” she asks.

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

A woman standing naked in front of a bedroom mirror says to her husband, “Honey, I look fat, ugly, and pale. Give me a compliment to cheer me up.”

The husband thinks for a second and replies, “At least there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

A woman standing naked in front of a bedroom mirror says to her husband, “Honey, I look fat, ugly, and pale. Give me a compliment to cheer me up.”

The husband thinks for a second and replies, “At least there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

that is so mean....but funnny

a cross between mr bean and U.B.L. (osama bin laden) NOT created by me but i did recieve it from my cousin

A man is talking to his shrink. He tells the shrink he thinks his marriage is in trouble. The shrink asks, “What seems to be the problem?”

The man tells him, “My wife and I made a deal when we got married 20 years ago that we would only smoke after sex. I have had the same pack of cigarettes since.”

The shrink informs the man that it’s natural for sex to slow down after marriage. The man replies, “Yeah, but my wife smokes three packs a day.”