azgirl Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks._________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there._________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget.ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_________________________ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo?WITNESS: We do.ATTORNEY: You do?WITNESS: Yes, voodoo._________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?_________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty._________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?_________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!_________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?_________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?_________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Guess._________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work._________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?_________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral._________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!_________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?_________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_ed Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 lawyer ones. classic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azgirl Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 I have FallenThere's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TooBoku Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. _________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. _________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. _________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? _________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! _________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? _________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? _________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. _________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! _________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? _________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. I can't get enough of these! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azgirl Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azgirl Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 LEAVE IT TO WANDA!! Sick day I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few Days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days'. I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,' ...And where do you think you're going?' She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the Dark.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azgirl Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 The Irish Farmer's Explanation......>>>>>>>>>>>> A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.>>>> In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was >>questioning Seamus.>>>> 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the >>accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.>>>> Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. >>I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor >>interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the >>scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'>>>>>> Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the >>trailer and I was driving down the road....'>>>> The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your >>Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the >>accident,>>>> this man told the police on the scene that he was >>fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my >>client.>>>> I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply >>answer the question.'>>>> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in >>Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what >>he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.>>>> Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was >>saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the >>trailer and was driving her down the road>> when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop >>sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one >>ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.>>>>>> I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. >>However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she >>was in terrible shape just by her groans.>>>> Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a >>motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so >>he went over to her.>> After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took >>out his gun and shot her between the eyes.>>>> Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in >>hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'>>>>>> 'Now what the F*ck would you say?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eNe Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 1st of all. Azgirl, Attorney/Witness ones were classic . I have knid of a same material about a TV host, and his interviews, but I'm too lazy to translte it right now. Anyway, 5/5 stars, and much thatnks. ------------------ Now: ------------------ A man commits a crime at the age of 20, and gets sentenced with 30 years of jail time. During those years he stays alone in his cell, nobody comes to visit him, and during this times he completely loses his connections with the world outside. After 30 years he becomes a 50 year old man, and gets his freedom. But he has nowhere to go, so he goes to a park, and sits there watching the people around. After some time a lady with her 5 year old son comes to the park. Lady sits next to the man, and her son goes to play. After a couple of minutes the kid comes back, and asks her mom. . . Son: Mommy, how was I born? The young lady gets embarresed from the old man beside her, and replies. . . Lady: The Doctor injected me a needle, and I gave birth to you. After the kid goes back to play, the old man who heard this conversation goes like: Old Man: Excuse me ma'am. May I ask a question? Lady: Yes sir. Old Man: Isn't the old method applied anymore? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azgirl Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away.. Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor.' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'SPEEDING TICKETA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'RIVER WALKThere's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'KNITTINGA highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'BLONDE ON THE SUNA Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'IN A VACUUMA blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,> 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azgirl Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Not everyone may appreciate this but .. I love it when the old people have enough spunk to humble you..(from my Aunt Lurline who is over 84 and is as sweet as punkin pie!) A stunning senior moment Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. 'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. The young people of today grew up with; Television Jet planes Space travel Man walking on the moon Our space probes have visited Mars We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars Cell phones Computers with light-speed processing...and more. ' After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows: 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young .........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation? 'The applause was deafening...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smgfanatic Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 There's a couple driving through La Jolla California arguing about how to say the name. The man says "It's La Jolla." The woman is saying "no it's pronounced La Jolla(Hoya). The man insists it's not and wants to stop at the first place and ask. So he stops at the very first place, goes in with his wife and tells the young man at the counter "We don't want to order anything, I just want you to tell my wife, very slowly, where we are." The young man looks at the gentleman's wife and says "DDDDDDDDDD-aaaaaaaaaaaaaa-iiiiiiiiiiiiiii-rrrrrrrrrrr-yyyyyyyy QQQQQQQQ-uuuuuuuuuuu-eeeeeeeeeeeee-nnnnnnnnnnn." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midnight lady Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 dairyquen? huh ? didn't get this one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eNe Posted December 26, 2008 Share Posted December 26, 2008 I can explainA woman comes back from shopping, and finds her husband sleeping with a young and beautiful girl.She starts yelling:"How can you do this to me, . . . after all these years of marrige, . . . after everything I've done for you..."Her husband says: "Please honey, I can explain. . ."The view in front of the lady was pretty clear, so she confidently replies: "Wow, let's hear what you'll come up with"The man starts: "Coming back from work, I saw this poor little girl. She was so tired, so I took her in my car. She was so hungry, so I gave her the meal in the fridge, that you had forgot to cook. Her shoes were ripped, so I gave her a pair from one of those shoes you don't wear, because they are outfashion. She was freezing, so I gave her one of your jackets, that you never wore, because you didn't like the colour of them. Her trousers were so old, and dirty, so I gave her one of your trousers, that your ass doesn't fit in them anymore. Just when she was about to leave, she asked me: Is there anything else, that your wife doesn't use anymore. . . AND HERE WE ARE" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_ed Posted December 26, 2008 Share Posted December 26, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irenistiQ Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 dairyquen? huh ? didn't get this one You don't know what Dairy Queen is? :shock: LiQe an ice Qream and fast food chain... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midnight lady Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 oohhhhh and how was I supposed to know that? <_< Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irenistiQ Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 oohhhhh and how was I supposed to know that? <_< It's ok. how would an AmeriQan know fletet e verdha or kolonat... or even Pogradec... <_< ... you see.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midnight lady Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 oohhhhh and how was I supposed to know that? <_< It's ok. how would an AmeriQan know fletet e verdha or kolonat... or even Pogradec... <_< ... you see.. lol where did you learn that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irenistiQ Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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