Frederick

WHOA HO HO HO HO HO HO HO YOUR MOYES WILL BE HEARRRRRRRRRRRRRD

For what little it's worth, I would not be in the least bit surprised if Big Jozy, Tony Hibbert and Yaya Sanogo each scored against us between now and May.

Well it should be noted that at least a few of the teams who've schooled us in the league are clearly superior to Galatasary and Anderlecht but the point certainly still stands. Domestically there's been a real lethargy at the beginning of games that's been alarming (think England at Wembley) but the individual errors have wracked up also. Pressure, confidence, complacency, motivation have all been plucked out as potential sources, all I know is having three teams standing off all trembly kneed at your very gaze, readily affording the kind of space your average well drilled Bundesliga side have long learnt to squeeze certainly helps carve out opportunities. Gladbach at the weekend will be another incredibly hard game, the kind we've lost in recent years, let alone during this terrible run.

From the guys who brought you 'Roy Keane has instilled a winning mentality at Aston Villa' and 'Mario Balotelli is a gamble Brendan Rodgers simply had to take'.

So we beat Hull in a resolutely perfunctory manner back in August, promptly received a load of undue excitable old media fart purely because Roy Keane makes for good copy, proceeded to inexplicably give Lambert a new four year contract and now haven't scored a single goal for two months. Imagine if we'd actually dared to score a goal, he'd have been given the full Pardew eight years! In summary, we're going down. Just like the sagging moobs of Darren "Fat Elvis" Bent.

Will Big Vito be offering a refund this week?

Too bad playing any vaguely well assembled German team leads to nothing but feckless defeat after feckless defeat! Birmingham 0-8 Bournemouth is admittedly quite hefty compensation.

(to the tune of California Girls by the Beach Boys) I wish they all could be Galatasa I wish they all could be Galatasa I wish they all could be Galatasaray.

Tell me you weren't there, Michael. Dear God tell me you weren't there.

Full marks to ITV for having the inexplicably ubiquitous Paul Scholes on punditry. If he were any more dower about Man City's prospects you'd start thinking he was a Man Utd legend or something.

Once rated now hated and baited and not exactly looking elated, welcome aboard TC23!

My kind of weekend!

Not mad about the draw but then again that could just be the Leyton Orient result talking.

Ze Chumpions League Draw A: Atletico Madrid, Juventus, Olympiacos, Malmo B: Real Madrid, FC Basel, Liverpool, Ludogorets C: Benfica, Zenit St Petersburg, Bayer Leverkusen, Monaco D: Arsenal, Borussia Dortmund, Galatasaray, Anderlecht E: Bayern Munchkins, Manchester City, CSKA Moscow, Roma F: Barcelona, Paris St-Germain, Ajax, APOEL G: Chelsea, Schalke, Sporting Lisbon, Maribor H: FC Porto, Shakhtar Donetsk, Athletic Bilbao, BATE Borisov

It was seeing him at all that floored me, it was like going to a music festival and having the Fun Lovin' Criminals come out, you think "Really? Still plugging away the ol' Scooby Snacks thing in 2014?" It makes you long for The Datsuns or Hell Is For Heroes or, at a push, Tom Cleverley.

Regarding Yanited's latest howler: I know they played a few CBeebies kids but the most jarring sight by far was seeing the always dependably dry armpitted Anderson strolling around. This fella, I tell you. Ferguson made Van Nistelrooy, Stam, Keane and many others walk the plank with a lack of sentimentality that would make Jeffrey Dahmer blush yet this wage sponging Son of Bogarde has some kind of unspoken tenure at the club. This geezer's in his eighth season! Eighth! He's supposedly 26, he could end up there longer than Matt Busby! Is there a clause where every time he shows up for training on time he immediately gets a new four year contract?

Spoony, it's Gaz, just seen Jermaine Defoe at a service station outside Stourbridge for the fifteenth August 31st in a row. He bought a pack of wine gums and some flamin' hot Monster Munch. He kept telling unsuspecting passers by that he was delighted to be signing for Aston Villa. He was escorted off the premises shortly thereafter.

I'm afraid Sky long ago took Jim White into Snakes on a Plane territory, what was once a vaguely cute concept - in this case an old excitable Scotsman acting like a coked up gerbil - has long since turned into an overly self-conscious instaironic meta thinkpiece on cultural vapidity. I actually preferred it when he was mostly known for sycophantic Q&As with Doug Ellis. Of the SSN gang Julian Waters is criminally unheralded, he being the particularly boring one with the bowl cut who's been there for decades; no nonsense, never fumbles, isn't in any way flirty, a safe pair of hands.

I was going to put all my favourite delusional newspaper cuttings pertaining to Man U from this summer into a scrapbook but my doctor told me it could do irreparable damage to my spine trying to lift it.

No falsies info here, turns out you spell it MalKKKy MacKKKay.

Fact is, even if its a half crocked/disinterested CB that returns to us he'll still be a much better goalscoring threat than Agbonlahor and that'd do me. Who knows, it might not even be up to him, as an institution we're about as stable as Charlie Sheen on Colombian Heritage Day. One minute Matt Lowton looked talented, the next he was worse than Delhi belly. Alan Hutton is now seen a source of pride after a Lenin in Siberia style exile. Lambert's signed more left backs than Val Kilmer's made bad movies. Roy Keane is brought in to END a culture of bullying. Takeover, no takeover, Randy doesn't want to spend money, Randy starts spending money....and yet we're still better than West Brom. The mind boggles.

As Sophie Ellis-Bextor and Spiller once pondered Wei does it feel (Wei?) Wei does it feel (Wei?) Wei does it feel (Wei?) Wei does it feel so good?

The lovable charm of Juan Pablo Angel, the fiery tenacity of Des Bremner! Welcome, Carlos Sanchez!

Presumably the words "Crooksy, I'll level with ya, there's one flaw that'll stop us winning the Prem this season and here it is, on a plate for you, scoop of the year..." did not actually fall out of Pellegrini's mouth but hot dang I'll be watching just to make sure anyway!