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Halloween Survival Guide


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1.When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. It isn't.

2.Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3.Do not search the basement or attic, even if the power is out.

4.If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language that they should not know, shoot them immediately. Shooting them will save you much grief in the long run; however, it will take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This tip also applies to anyone who speaks with someone else's voice.

5.When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go alone.

6.As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7.Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This rule also applies to any other house of the dead.

8.If you are searching for something that caused a loud noise and find out that it was just the cat, get the hell out. Expeditiously.

9.If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits. Again, get the hell out.

10.Do not take anything from the dead. No matter how much you like it, it's bound to disagree with you sooner or later.

11.If you find a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12.Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13.If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice--more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14.If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15.Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, and any small town in Maine, Maryland, and Massachusetts.

16.If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to use the telephone. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself in the head. You are going to die anyway and most likely be eaten.

17.Beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, and ice picks.

18.If you discover that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This rule also applies to previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion.

19. If there are supernatural elements going on around you, don't have sex. Especially if you are a blond.

20. If you are a blond, dye your hair! You have a much better chance of survival if you are a brunette, or redhead. (I guess we don't taste as good or something...)

(no offense to our blond brothers and sisters)

21. Stay out of cornfields, woods and bodies of water. These are locations where no one will hear you if you scream, or if the do hear you, they will never find you in time.

22. Stay out of big old scary looking mansions, nothing good ever comes from your visit, no matter how considerate a houseguest you are.

23. Never back slowly down stairs, around corners, or through doorways. You have just been where you are coming from and you should know that the threat is not there.

24. If the phone goes dead just when you are about to call for help, don't waist time jiggling the receiver cradle and shouting "Hello" into the receiver. Giving away your position while masking the sounds of the opponents approach is NOT a good tactic.

25. For Heaven's sake, listen to us Moors residents when we tell you to "Keep to the roads, lads!"

26. Stay away from dusty old tomes with questionable fabric covers.

27. Never try to read aloud from books when they are written in some obscure dead language, even if you are a linguistics expert. There are reasons why certain languages are dead.

28. Never say,

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