The Jokes Thread

[azgirl]

At the time that this article was written it was a serious article.. but come on people you have to see the humor now..

[azgirl]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0

uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:

Romance 9.5

Personal Attention 6.5

and then installed undesirable programs such as:

NBA 5.0

NFL 3.0

and

Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and

Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,

Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while

Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html

and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend:

Cooking 3.0 and

Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

[azgirl]

can't post one without the other..

INSTALLING WIFE 1.0

Subject: Wife 1.0

To: Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed

that the new program began unexpected child processing that

took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of

this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In

addition, Wife1.0 installs itself into all other programs and

launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other

system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5

and Monday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system

whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the

background while attempting to run some of my other favorite

applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,

but the un-install for Wife 1.0 does not work.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,

Lord Joe Nevanen

Mission, TX

Tech Support Writes Back

Dear Lord Joseph:

This is a very common problem male employees complain

about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many

people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that

Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT

program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and

designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you

would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to

Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would

cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files

from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend

7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried

to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more

problems than the original system.

Look in your help files under "Warnings-Alimony/Child

Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with

the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also

suggest you read the entire section regarding General

Partnership Faults(GPFs). You must assume all

responsibility for faults and problems that might

occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be

to enter the DOS-command

C:\APOLOGIZE or click the I'M SORRY! Icon for Macintosh

systems. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because

ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE/SORRY

command before the operating system will return to normal. The

system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all

the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high

maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance

of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short

Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is

likely to cause irreversible damage to YOUR hardware.

Best of luck.

M O J D E H H O J J A T I

Texpress Internacional

Morelos #105-B, Col. Centro

Texcoco, Edo. de Mexico 56100

MEXICO

Tel.: (595) 11654

Fax : (595) 45977

email: [email protected]

[azgirl]

OMG..

10 Best pick up lines

1. Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2. Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special

3. My Love for you is like diarrahia ... I can't hold it in

4. Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

5. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6. Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulups together

7. You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles

8. I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream

9. If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole

10. Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks

[irenistiQ]

OMG..

10 Best pick up lines

9. If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole

10. Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks

:|

[LouIslandFerry]

OMG..

10 Best pick up lines

2. Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special

4. Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

9. If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole

10. Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks

:laugh: - :evil:

[azgirl]

Not sure how this e-mail applies to me .. but I had gotten some really cool ideas ..lol

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 . Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called ....... therapy

Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much

[azgirl]

It must be thought that i am bored or something.. another e-mail I must try

101 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them

and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals

throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get

to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the

spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,

especially thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I

think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what

happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off

and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen

you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid

embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask

yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk,

anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're

taking it for a "test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about

five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the

department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store

as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look

mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll

only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from

the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around

saying,"...I'm Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"

upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,

"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired

employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any

Shnerples here?"

31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale

battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

32. Take bets on the battle described above.

33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from

"Mission: Impossible."

35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while

squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I

need some tampons!!"

36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to

your Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet

food aisle, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the

restrooms

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at

something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,

assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those

voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and

relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain

that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little

umbrella in it.

51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice

possible "sex and candy"

52. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your

head and walk around the store casually.

53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the

mannequins.

54. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run

between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror

while you pick your nose.

57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes.

(Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly

ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act

as spastic as possible.

59. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and

women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch

everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

61. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with

various funnels.

62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse

through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare

them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you

and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is

breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you

do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was

another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME

darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto

the ground screaming and having convulsions.

64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people

out.

65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and

begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of

shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the

boxes and throw it in various aisles.

67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every

perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another

girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.

"hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy

shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.

"hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples

carts when they don't realize it!

70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of

super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean

in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front

of your nose and saying "Oh god, your over powering the

perfume!!"

71. Hit on the elderly.

72. Hit on 5 year olds.

73. In the food aisle, pretend like there's a little bug, slowly

move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left

as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the

ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like

crazy. Then finally yell out "Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was

the biggest Cockrouch I've ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!!

Hey look, there's another one!!!" Then Repeat.

74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray.

75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat.

Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.

76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a

prissy English Man. Say things like "Cheerio, good man." to

people who walk by. And don't forget to have perfect posture.

77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your

friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those

electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they

don't know you.

78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for

toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a hoarse, then pretend

that your a cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over

wanting to use it, start barking at them until

they run away crying.

79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind

customers and "accidentally" hit the people instead of your

friend.

80. Excesively use anything thing that says "Try Me".

81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.

82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.

82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say

"Hello, how may I help you?" say "Yes, I'll have a Quarter

Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of

french fries and a diet coke." And when they start to talk, say

"Oh, to go". Then when they say that they can't give it to you

say "Oh, This is because I'm gay isn't it? I'd expect this from

Caldors, but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like

everyone else your know. You digust me" Then walk away

mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl-

like as you can

83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people

asking where the rash cream is because your family and all

your friends seem to have a rash too.

84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your

"multiple personalities". Have an English man, a Southern

person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old

girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should

sound like this: "Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly

good time.(English)" "Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta

Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)" Etc.

85. Start "dancing" like mad. Basically, just wail your arms

and legs around like your having some kind of massive

seizure.

86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the

store.

87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to

leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your

walking through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to

go off. Then when it doesn't go off, let out a big sigh. Then

quickly look around you to see who's watching and run away

as fast as your can.

88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,

your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while

singing the circus song.

89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department

90. Put lingerie in the men's department.

91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men's carts when they turn

around.

92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that

someone istrying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over,

start crying and saying "All I ever wanted was a little

attention" Then run away crying.

93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,

start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don't look away, just

stay mesmerized.

94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say "Help me. The voices in

my head are telling me to do naughty things." Then clap your

hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming

"NO!!! I DON'T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO

NO NO NO!!!!" Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the

eyes, and Calmly say "I...will start...a fire..." The pull out a

zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don't

light the zippo, just hold it closed.

95. Light a match under a spinkler.

96. Walk up to someone and say "Oh, so your back for more. I

warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get

my shot gun". Then walk away.

97. Walk up to a guy and say "Oh my god, is it you? Oh my

god it is!!! I haven't seen you in so long!!!!" Then kiss him.

Then slap and him say "Why didn't you ever call me??" Then

walk away. Much more affective if you're a guy.

98. Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a

mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as

possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your

watch and say. "Finally, my shift is done. I really don't get

paid enough to do this"

99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.

100. Act like your about to cry and ask people "Have you seen

my mommy?"

101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.

BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

[irenistiQ]

:|

[widget]

i hung with it for about the first 15...funny tho

[dizzymisslizzy]

i have a really really really bad joke! But i'm not gunna say...

[irenistiQ]

i have a really really really bad joke! But i'm not gunna say...

[azgirl]

i hung with it for about the first 15...funny tho

[Berno]

Is that even a joke?

[irenistiQ]

Is that even a joke?

[irenistiQ]

is it supposed to be that garbage green guy from sesame street?

[dizzymisslizzy]

i was told that by a drunken sailor in a bar...idk..i thought it was funny

and it could be the cookie monster too...