The Jokes Thread

[midnight lady]

tell mee

[irenistiQ]

:|

[midnight lady]

lol....was your nickname once casper?

what rumors?

[eNe]

A girl says to her new boyfriend: Hey why don't you come, and meet my parents tonight. Later they'll go out to a meeting, and we may do some intimate stuff.

As expected the guy agrees, and says: I'll be there at eight o'clock.

Than the girl goes back home, and the guy goes to buy some flowers, chocolate, and stuff. And of course he goes into a farmacy and has a little chat with the farmacist: Hey, I need to buy protection. Tonight I'm gonna get lucky with my new girlfriend, after her parents leave, and stuff. . .

Then at 8 o'clock he goes at girls house, and meets her parents, for the first time, and they ask him to sit at the dinner table.

The father says: Our tradition is to always pray before we eat.

They all start to pray, and the daughter finishes her praying first, and about 10 seconds later her mom finishes. About 30 secs later her dad finishes as well, but the kid still keeps on praying. 3 minutes, 5 minutes, 10, . . . and the girl asks:

I didn't know you were so religious

The guy replies: Neither I knew that your father was a farmacist.

[eNe]

lol....was your nickname once casper?

what rumors?

No, but Kazper had told me, that he had a chat with you,. . . after 50 Cent was in Kosova if I'm not mistaken. That's where I knew your name, and that you're from Kosova.

And about the "rumors", I just typed it cause I thaught you already knew where I'm from. No actual rumors or whatsoever

[midnight lady]

yeah I remember I thought he changed the nickname

no I didn't knew sorry

[eNe]

A couple have a 3 year old girl, and they decide to have their second baby.

After the woman gets pregnant, she becomes to add weight, and after a while their daughter relizes the changes at her mom, and asks: Mommy, why is your belly getting bigger?

Mother: Because daddy gave me a baby sweetie.

After hearing that answer, the girl goes to her father, and asks:

Daddy, did you really gave mommy a baby?

Father: Yes honey.

Girl: But mom has eaten her.

[midnight lady]

lol this is such a common joke here I totally forgot that

[siniko]

Question: Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?

Answer: Because he was looking for a tight seal.

[siniko]

"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor says. The man asks, "Why?" The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

[siniko]

Three old gals are sitting on a park bench, and a flasher comes up and flashes them. Two of the gals have a stroke. But the third couldn't reach that far.

[siniko]

One night, on a camping trip, Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says, "Look at the stars. What do you deduce?" Watson thinks for a minute and says, "Well, I see millions of stars, many of which resemble our sun, which most likely have their own planets, which most likely have life-forms like us, so I deduce that there is life on other planets." And Sherlock says, "No, you idiot, someone's stolen our tent."

[siniko]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck. Get the fuck away from me."

[siniko]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile on his face. The egg is frowning and looking frustrated. The egg says, "Guess we answered that question."

[eNe]

^ Lol, that Sherlock Holmes joke is a classic. I usually beat around it for half an hour (go from the big bang theory, to astrological perspective), before telling the joke at the end.

------------------------

A man applies for a job in a big company.

He enters the companies tests.

Questions. . . examinations. . . He literally sucks.

Looks like no work is possible for him.

But because he has some connections, heads of the company have to offer him something!

"Do you think Marketing?" they asked.

"Hmm?!!" says the man, "Do you have something better?"

"Well, would you want to be responsible for sales?"

"No" he replies, "I want something more qualified."

"Maybe finance?"

"Never in life. Thats too boring. Anything better?!"

"How about, being a store manager. You'll control the material being transported"

"Huh, so I'll have to work with no girls around? You gotta be kidding me."

"Well, then. . ." the head of the group says

"There is one more thing that I can offer, which includes sex and travel in it"

"Yes!" the man replies

"I was seeking for exactly such a thing."

"What is it?"

"GTFO"

[eNe]

A man has to do a bussiness travel, and he goes to get his plane tickets.

Suddenly he hears a voice:

- This plane will fall!

He turns his back, and no one's around. But he says I'll just eat something, and wait for the next plane.

While waiting, the black news come:

- Plane fell off. No survivors!

He decides he'd better use a train.

The moment he was about to enter the train, he hears the same voice:

- Get off the line, this train will go off the rails!

Frozen, he turns around again, and no one.

But he is scared, and decides to leave the travel for the next day.

Tomorrow in the morning, he opens the newspaper, and sees:

- Train off the rails, this many dead, this many injured. . .

He thanks to God, and goes to get a bus ticket.

Again, he hears that same voice:

- Don't get on this bus, the brakes will burst!

Frozen again, no one!

He screams in desperation:

- Who are you?

Voice replies:

- I'm your guardian angel!

The man gets really mad:

- GOD DAMN! Where were you when I was getting married?

[siniko]

i loled