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The Jokes Thread

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"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,"

said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well actually I don't," said the student,

"but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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Giving Is Receiving

A wife arrives home after a business trip and finds her husband in bed with a gorgeous coed. Just as the wife is about to storm out of the house, the husband says, “Before you leave you should know exactly how this came about. This afternoon Julie here rang our doorbell and asked for clothing donations for a charity. I gave her those shoes you no longer wear. I rummaged around and found that birthday sweater you hate and all the suits you claim don’t fit you anymore. So I donated them too. Then she asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ So, here we are.”

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A man sees a snail on his doorstep, picks it up, and heaves it over his house.

Two years pass, and the guy sees the snail back at his door. It looks up and says, “What the f*ck did you do that for?”

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im glad to hear it fmg00. well here's another one for everyone

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

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A Touching Story of Love and Marriage

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly

smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up

the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from

the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the

bedroom, and with even greater effort inched himself down the stairs,

gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into

the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought

himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on

the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate

chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted

wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one

great final effort, he moved himself toward the table. His parched lips

parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was almost already in his mouth;

seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakily made its way to a cookie at

the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula

by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

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