The Jokes Thread

[[solo]]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[Neo52285]

[KingSupra]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the veterinarian and says, “My dog is going cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do to help him?”

“Well,” replies the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks up the dog and checks its eyes.

After a quick exam, the vet turns to the owner and says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.”

“Why? Just because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No,” says the vet. “It’s just that he’s really heavy.”

[[solo]]

[Neo52285]

[KingSupra]

A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.

The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.

She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. “Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him,” says the man. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.

Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

“Now tell HIM you have a headache.”

[Neo52285]

[KingSupra]

[KingSupra]

A lady was vacuuming the bedroom when she hit something under the bed. When she puled the object out, she discovered it was a shiny silver box containing nine golf balls and $25,000 in cash. When her husband came home she asked, “Honey, what’s with the box? There are nine golf balls and $25,000 in here.” “Well,” said her husband, “every time we’ve had bad sex, I put a golf ball in there.”

“That’s not bad,” his wife replied, “We’ve been married for 25 years and there are only nine balls, but what’s with the money?”

“Well, every time I got a dozen balls, I sold them.”

[Neo52285]

[KingSupra]

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.”

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.”

[Neo52285]

thats sad but funny

[[solo]]

A guy is out hunting with his buddy. His buddy falls from a tree and dies, so the dude rings up 911.

Dude: Hi, my buddy fell from a tree and died. What shall I do?

911 Operator: First make sure he is really dead.

We hear a gunshot.

Dude: now what?

[Ronin]

haha....o man...

[Neo52285]

i have heard a variation of that joke but it involved a blonde.

[KingSupra]

A most distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo parlor, and sits down. The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated woman in his seedy tattoo shop, goes over to the woman immediately and asks if he can help her. To his shock, and utter delight, she lifts her designer dress, and points to her left inner thigh—very high up. “Right here,” she says, “I want you to tattoo a turkey with the word ‘Thanksgiving’ under it.”

Then she points to her right inner thigh—just as high up—and says, “On this side, I want you to tattoo a Christmas tree, with lights and tinsel, and an angel on top. And underneath the tree I want the word ‘Christmas.’”

The tattoo artist looks at her, puzzled. He says, “Lady, it’s none of my business, but that is the most unusual request I have ever had. Why in the world would you want that?”

“Well,” the lady said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there is never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

[KingSupra]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

“Olympic condoms?”, she asks, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors,” he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course,” says the man proudly.

The wife responds, “Really, why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

[Neo52285]

[KingSupra]

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!”

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

[Nebucadnezar]

A most distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo parlor, and sits down. The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated woman in his seedy tattoo shop, goes over to the woman immediately and asks if he can help her. To his shock, and utter delight, she lifts her designer dress, and points to her left inner thigh—very high up. “Right here,” she says, “I want you to tattoo a turkey with the word ‘Thanksgiving’ under it.”  

Then she points to her right inner thigh—just as high up—and says, “On this side, I want you to tattoo a Christmas tree, with lights and tinsel, and an angel on top. And underneath the tree I want the word ‘Christmas.’”  

The tattoo artist looks at her, puzzled. He says, “Lady, it’s none of my business, but that is the most unusual request I have ever had. Why in the world would you want that?”  

“Well,” the lady said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there is never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

really funny!