Baby

it's just freaky to see so much people with an eating disorder. there are 2 or 3 years ago in paris 1/3 of girls i knew had a problem with food...

can i make my top of the year 1999 ? XD because before than the CD of a unknown but very talented band (we can call them genius) from a little city of a little country come in my house i think it will take years XD

ok, i need to know more about you to understand where come from your problem and i think it could help you too. for which reason do you think you can interesting people ? what people want ? where is the key of the seduction ? how do you live your relationship ? i think there are many reason to your anorexia. your grandfather's death can be one reason but your relation with the other can be another reason. you can answer me by private mail if you want.

yes, the problem is people are never happy. i think everybody need to find a fight, a way to test his own limits and when you have everything, you can do everything you when it's hard to find yourself, to control your life and find your own limits, make the difference between the good and the bad. You use the self-destruction as a help and your feeling, your relation (positive or negative) can be a poison. At the beginning you don’t realize what you do and with time you’re just shocked by people behavior because they don’t make what you want. You just wonder “why they aren’t here for me, this is their role” and you push the limits again and again but they are always blind. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you but you feel alone, lost. But my bulimia isn’t the result of this problem with my parents. My bulimia came from many troubles and I think it become violent because my parents never tried to help me to stop it but I’m not exactly bulimic because of my parents. because of my past in the hospital and because of my parents' behavior i always be different of other kids of my age. when i was kid i was insulted because of my health problems, one time they even sent my garbage on the face and another day the mum of a girl in my school told me "you should be a killer in a past life and that's why now you're punished and you have health problems.” You know, when you a kid, you try to live with your health problems and you try to be accepted by the other pupils it’s just painful and violent to hear something like this. i hadn't the same perception of life than the other kids. when you're 12/14 years old you just you have the feeling to be in a cocoon, to be protected by your parents, you discover love but this is flirts than real relationships. and at this age i lived in a world where people died everyday, where i was all the time with people older than me, there wasn't all this hypocrisy than you can find in the real world because some people were dying and when you know you will be dead in few months, few weeks you don't take care of the hypocrisy. i was adult in my head and my body was adult too. I was 13 years old on my ID card but I was 18 years. kids in my school said i was a wore, i had sex with boys in the nightclub toilets, I had sex with my dog, I was a junky etc. they were jealous because they played at video games when i played the adult. i was often critiqued and at the beginning it hurt me. when I was 14 year old I started to read the future in the cards. Because of it I was one of the most popular girls of my high school and I knew everybody. Sometimes near of 50 persons in a day asked me to read their future and I understood people weren’t superior to me. everybody has troubles, nobody is perfect… it’s helped me to accepted me and I tried to be myself. People thought I was an alien but I didn’t take care of it. People spent their time to turn around me because I knew everybody and I was all the time in parties, in nightclubs. They thought my parents were really cool, I was a very lucky girl because they allowed me everything and I think because of it my parents never saw my problems. my friends from my school tried to manipulate me. they like me but in same time they were jealous because I was so free and my parents have money they wanted I pay their lunch, they wanted I invited them in nightclub… as it was something natural. People often make critic about my parents ‘money and because I was easy to talk with me, to met me, all the manipulators, hypocrites turned around me The first times I was “nice” but I wasn’t stupid, I understand when someone tries to manipulate me and I became “aggressive” with them. In same time my parents had big troubles with my grandfather, his wife, his sisters, cousins etc because everybody worked together. My aunt and my grandfather made a blackmail to my dad and wanted to complain at the police for pedophilia if my parents didn’t accept to give money. And because of it, my dad tried to commit a suicide. the situation was very complicated, it could take hours to explain all the problems about it so I tried to make a simple summary. at school people made reflection like “oh will you sell your new car ?” or “now you must be poor !” Unfortunately for them, i wasn’t poor and my parent never sold their cars. I tried to be hard, don’t show my pain, I lived a bad emotional situation and people were here like vultures and they made stupid critics about money. I was so angry and I became someone else. I tried to be better than them but I didn’t really respect myself. They were obsessed by money, fame so I started to go in Parisian nightclub, I was all the time with business men, “artists”, people from the fashion industry, princes, I bought expensive clothes, have very rich new friends. I was so angry that I tried to make them jealous, be everything they wanted to be but I wasn’t happy, I was just so empty. I was a zombie. I hated people and I tried to be their opposite and make them jealous in same time. all my life turned around hate, around the mental violence. It was painful because it wasn’t me. I felt oppressed and blocked. I felt very in love of a guy. I already talked about him in another thread but this guy was very bad for me. he was perfect for my violent side. He was very cute, intelligent (limited, he is not a curious person), rich, he was a real playboy but even if I was very in love I realized he was good for me. he didn’t help me to feel better… it was the opposite. I refuse/refused to have a normal relationship. I rejected the normality because the normality could be so painful and it’s so easy to understand when you’re hurt. When you are a “marginal” people can’t understand what you are, what you want, what you feel, you can play a role. It’s easier to hide the truth and you can be really free... and there are no limits. yes these dear limits. with them hate can be love, love can be sex, sex can be virtual, the virtual can be the truth, the truth can be a perception and a perception can be changed but the fact is I don’t live in the regrets. I refuse to regret who I am. I’m bulimic, I lived “strange” situations but I’m not sad about it. I’m just tired. The bulimia is a hole where you put all your problems. I can be something negative but in same time I don’t know where I could be if I wasn’t bulimic Maybe today I could be the happiest girl on earth, be a different person, be a brunette with short hairs, I could make Karate, eat fish, date with a good boy or I could be dead. About eat disorder as you said you ate too much... As bulimic I know it’s better to avoid some kind of food. I don’t eat meat but I know food and meat isn’t something “liquid” When you’re bulimic you drink a lot (often hot water) to dilute the food. That’s what I do. I can drink between 3 and 5L of water per day. When I don’t eat alone I often eat corn, salad, tomato because it can stay hours in my stomach. It’s hard to vomit things like bread, meat (I think) because this is very “solid” I’m serious bulimic since I’m 16 years old so now I don’t need to use fingers. I can “naturally” vomit when I want... or not. Now it’s pretty hard to keep food. My bulimia is psychological and physical in same time. it’s like a drug. It’s like to be an “old” junky. You need it not because you would to be really fine but to avoid to feel bad. And in the end you stop to lose weight. At the beginning I lost weight but now...I just lose my time and my energy. Thanks for your support and your tolerance. Unknown, were you anorexic ?

it's the first time i come and i read this thread. i think i always tried to stay far away from this thread. i think you're "lucky" you because your "family" support you and it's sometimes good. about your father i think if he doesn't understand your problem, he won't. it's really sad to know that people can be able to judge you about your physic when they know it can destroy you. unfortunately, sometimes i think the problem is not the fact to be slim or fat the the people's behavior... how they interact with us... and i think you're right. this sickness can follow you all your life my family know my bulimia but they don't take care of it. i talk about my problem with my friends but i never talked about it with my parents. they allowed me "everything" (but they want to se me married with a very rich guy but they are against my voluntary in associations and when i became vegetarian during months my dad was very angry, he insulted me as to be vegeratian was one of the worst thing of earth. his behavior was just crazy.) and the never told me "make your homework, you must be at home at 8pm, don't smoke, don't drink". at first because i lived in hospital i was "free" but i never be a "difficult" kid. when i was 13 years old they allowed me to drink alcohol, to smoke, to have sex, to drive a motorbike, go in nightclub, my mum spent her time to influence me to date with her friends. my parents had friends of 23/30 years old and because i looked older the boys turned around me and and my mum didn't stop to say "oh, you should date with this guy, he is great", they ask me to come with them in casino in 15 years old, the striptease club when i was 16 years old, and sadomasochiste club when i was 18 years old. not they are SM but the club owner was one of their friends. and at 17 years old when i had the crazy idea to be astrologue they accepted. so i was in the youngest student in official school in europe... and i think if i don't stop to make breaks in the end i will be the oldest too. i always be "free" and prisonner in same time. when i was with my friends, my parents always talked with us, when i was at phone my mum stayed near to my bedroom's door ti listen my conversations, she spyed me. she thought she was discret but she wasn't... etc etc etc. i think they tried to be "teenagers" to proxy. they wanted to be 25 years old so they used me to feel younger. now i hide everything, i refused to introduce my friends, my boyfriends. i can be very "secret" i always be more "mature" than the kids of my age and when i was 13/14 years old i spent my time with my teachers. i really loved my history/geography and french teachers. i was their best pupils and i spent my time to talk with them one of my french teacher, Amandine, was often at home... sometimes we left the school together in her car, she lived at miles from my house but it wasn't a problem for us and when i was sick she always tried to come at home or give a call to have some news. when she left the france for the new caledonia she sent me adorable letters. i love her so much. she is a sweetheart. my family is "special"... my mum lived in a house with 4 tranies, her sister is maried with a black men, my great grand mother from my mum was divorced to my great grand father and my grandmother lived with him. my great grand mother remarried with a guy really younger than her and it was sometimes rare there are 60 years old. my adoptive cousine is lesbian and my grandfather commited a suicide the last year (not because he was depresive but because he wanted to have a "good end". from my dad side, his sister his lesbian and pollygame. she was clothes designer and worked for thierry mugler but now she lives in the south of france and make pottery on cars park with her 2 girlfriends, her sister is clother designer too but she works since 11 or 12 years for a very famous french actor, Gerard Depardieu and we think she never will be married, his father was married to a women of 18 years younger than him (his sisters' mother) and my dad's cousine is lesbian too and another of his cousin (a boy) is married to his own cousine :x so in this kind of familly, where everybody is very free it's hard to find limits... and teenagers need limits, they need attention and i never have this attention. when my dad was accused of pedophilia by my grandfather and my aunt and when my dad tried to commited a suicide i think i was totaly lost and i needed limits but because of the situation i think it should be egoist from me to focus on my problems and i think they thought my bulimia was a fantasia to attract their attention... as a regression. you know, like a kid who will urinate in his bed because now he has a little brother and he regress to have the parents' attention. my parents refused to see me regressed and i evacuated all my violence, my pain with the bulimia i tried to have limits, to find an autority, something who can say "stop it". they take care of me but not as i want. they never be normal parents and my bulimia helped me to keep a control on my life. i think it was a way to have their attention too and i never have it. they never try to understand me. the only think they did was "buy more food". i destroyed myself and even if they knew they never tried to help me and i don't understand why because they always knew i'm sick. they always were here to pay a dress of 2000 or 3000 euros but i could killed myself just in front of them and they won't react. they aren't bad person but they are just blind, they understand nothing. their priorities and their limits are crazy and even if i love them i prefered to kill myself than to be like them. they are all the time together since 30 years old. they do everything together and when i watch them i just wonder "where is the love ?" as all their life was a routine. their private life is so boring than they need to live another life by proxy and i think that's why they allowed me everything, they always say "yes" but in same time they never take care of the things i could feel. they were in paris with me and they are felt there are two days and i just feel so much better and my bulimia crisis are less important. i try to rebuild myself, try to find the good way where i could be peaceful with myself and people around me. make voluntary in association is a good way to calm me. i have the feeling i make something positive of my life. i'm less angry. i give my time, my love, to people and this is good for me. i think one day i will be enough strong to stop the bulimia. just hope it will be soon.

Andreas with his Girlfriend Tatiana in Paris. the web site is wrong, this is not Monaco. there are Haussmannian buildings near to the garage (very parisian style), the end of the motorbike's registration plate is the number "78", a department of the parisian area and on a trafic sign we can read "Invalides", a famous place in Paris... so this is paris. by the way, in the south of france/monaco, in october we don't need to wear big coats during the day... or it's very rare! http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/QZiDlqdSyyR...aco/51x3zq1sFka

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XXY (2007) argentinian movie by Lucia Puenzo The film's title is a reference to Klinefelter's syndrome, also known as XXY Syndrome, a condition in which males have an extra X sex chromosome. However, the main character does not display Klinefelter's syndrome. Plot : Alex (Efron) is a 15-year-old intersex person, with both male and female genitals, who has been living as a girl and using medicines to suppress masculine features, such as a beard, and to attempt to have more feminine features. However, recently Alex has stopped taking her meds. Alex's parents moved with her from Argentina to a village by the sea in Uruguay, to avoid society's negative stigma. Her father, Néstor Kraken (Darín), is a marine biologist who has written a book on sexuality and makes a living treating wounded animals found by fishermen. Her mother, Suli (Bertuccelli), invites friends from Argentina: a surgeon, his wife and teenage son Álvaro (Piroyansky). The purpose, unknown to Néstor and Alex, is to discuss the possibilities of a sex-change operation. Alex bluntly tells Álvaro that she would like to have sex with him. Alex seduces Álvaro and begins to have anal intercourse with him (with her in the deliverer's part), but they are interrupted when Néstor catches sight of them through an open door. When Alex later apologizes, Álvaro admits that he liked it. Three boys from the village forcibly pull down Alex's pants to see her genitals. Néstor realizes that reporting this to the police would cause the whole village to know about Alex's condition. However, Alex decides that it does not matter. Alex also decides that she does not want to resume taking medicines or have an operation. Trailer :

Ezra (2007) Nigerian/french/austrian movie by the nigerian director Newton Aduaka. plot : In the year 2000, it was alleged that some 300,000 children were serving as soldiers in armed conflicts in more than thirty countries around the world. Nearly 120,000 of these were allegedly engaged in various conflicts on the African continent. EZRA is a factional tale inspired by the Sierra Leonean conflict. It is centred on one event: a drug fuelled atrocious attack on a village by rebel soldiers. The jigsaw puzzle of what occurred that night is reconstructed through the testimonies of three witnesses: Ezra, an excombatant, his sister Onitcha, a mute, and Cynthia, Ezra's fellow exsoldier. What is supposed to be reconciliation soon becomes a trial, as Onitcha chooses this as the arena to reveal a secret she has kept from her brother. trailer :

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ah i love this thread. unfortunately, i didn't pay attention and i created a thread for movies like Bran Upon the Brain and i know people won't reply... but i just wanted to make discover them. Werckmeister Harmonies (2000) hugarian movie of Bela Tarr plot : The story takes place in a small provincial town on the Hungarian Plain. The weather is bitterly cold (twenty degrees below zero) but no snow has fallen. Despite this, hundreds of bewildered people stand around a circus trailer (or corrugated iron box) in the main square, waiting to see the main attraction - the stuffed carcass of a whale. The people composing this faceless, ragged crowd have come from distant parts of the country as well as neighbouring settlements, and the strange state of affairs — the presence of strangers, the extreme cold — is disturbing the order of the small town. Relationships are changing, and some ambitious people feel they can take advantage of the situation; while others who are more passive fall into even deeper uncertainty. The unbearable tension is brought to a head by the figure of the Prince, who is hiding behind the whale; his mere appearance is enough to unleash destructive emotions. The ensuing apocalypse spares no one - not the scientifically-minded outsiders, the teenage enthusiasts, the philistines who care only about their own safety, nor the family — nothing historically privileged by European culture there is no trailer so i put a video of the opening scene

oh nice. i need to buy Léon DVD. i never saw the full movie. if i'm not wrong the DVD version is 25 minutes longer than the "normal" version. did you see the DVD ?

movie of the canadian director Guy Maddin : biography Plot : Together with his teenage sister and a horde of orphans, young Guy Maddin lazes away his under-stimulated youth on the mysterious island he will someday inherit. In the lighthouse orphanage in which they all live, their every move is watched over by their overbearing and tyrannical mother while their father, a scientist and inventor, works away secretively in the basement. When new adoptive parents discover mysterious head wounds on their children, teen detectives Wendy and Chance Hale - brother and sister sleuths known as the "Lightbulb Kids" - visit the island to launch an investigation. Guy is weak-kneed as he falls for Wendy, while Sis is flushed with love for Chance, a love which must be kept from Mother at all costs. As the investigation progresses, the kids are led into the darkest regions of revelation and repression as the terrible secrets of Guy's family are revealed. trailer

The drive to keep alive the name of a young American woman who died beneath a U.S.-made bulldozer driven by an Israeli soldier in Palestine continues in Simone Bitton's sober documentary "Rachel." The idealistic Rachel Corrie was one of a team of activists from the U.S. and the U.K. who lived with Palestinian families in the most dangerous areas of the Gaza Strip in 2003 in an attempt to ameliorate the actions of the Israeli military demolishing homes close to the exclusion wall it had erected there. She was the subject of "My Name is Rachel Corrie," a very moving 2005 play put together by actor Alan Rickman and journalist Katherine Viner. Starring Megan Dodds, it played at the Royal Court and then in London's West End before getting a New York run in 2006. Bitton's documentary, which presents a very serious and unemotional examination of the available facts, will gain attention at festivals and among concerned communities but is unlikely to drum up mainstream audiences. It is an important document, however, as it contains testaments by the civilian witnesses who were there when Corrie was killed as well as the official statements of key Israeli military commanders and administrators. Corrie died when she and her colleagues attempted to stop a giant Caterpillar D9 bulldozer from clearing homes and other buildings in an area near Rafah. The soldiers testified that she died in a regrettable incident. Her associates and Palestinian witnesses say the driver of the 65-ton armored vehicle killed her deliberately. Questions are raised about the speed and nature of the initial investigation and the official decisions that followed. Activists from England, Scotland and the States tell of their own experiences in Palestine, claiming that danger was constant from Israeli bullets and bulldozers. The film presents everything in a matter-of-fact way but there is one sequence that will stick with any viewer. It's shot from in front of one of the slowly moving monstrous bulldozers that, with its immense blade blocking the light, leaves no doubt that it would kill anything in its path. Production: Cine-Sud Promotions, Arte France Cinema, Novak Prod, RTBF Director-screenwriter: Simone Bitton Producer: Thierry Lenouvel Director of photography: Jacques Bouquin Editors: Catherine Poitevin & Jean-Michel Perez Sales agent: UMedia No rating, 100 minutes Rachel Corrie's biography trailer

V for Vendetta the perfect mix between 1984 of George Orwell and the The Phantom of the Opera of Rupert Julian with Lon Chaney. it reminds me Philip K Dick's books too. one of my favorite wriiers Portman is just wonderful first time i saw her in a movie since L

oh, i've forgotten. i also hate nu metal :x

Why did you adopt children when you are single? hahah! i feel like a broken record for some reason! hahah! well its my surefire plan. i just know it. the thought of childbirth terrifies me so. i'm adopting because i know i'll be more than financially competent and if I can save at least one child from prostitution and human trafficking in bulgaria or a boy from becoming a child-soldier in uganda... then i'll know i've done my part. sure its going to amazing and great to have your own flesh and blood, words can't even describe the feeling, but i feel like i would be doing more if i gave an already living child the opportunity of life. and yes, the love shared between a man and a woman (or however you like) is the most amazing thing, don't get me wrong, but being a wife is just so hard. oh i'm exactely the same. in few years i would like to adopt kids. i often search information on internet, learn about laws, rights, etc my only problem in few countries is the fact i'm "single". i'm not married or engaged and for the moment i'm too young. sometimes i would like have kids but because of my fragile health i'm not sure it's a good idea. just the fact to be pregnant scared me. it's a phobia and in same time because of my blood sickness be pregante could be dangerous for my health and i probably could lose the baby. and when i'm stressed, angry, sad i often lose blood and i can make hemoragies and the only medicament against my hemoragies can kill a normal person. so if i make a angst crisis and an hemoragie and i need to use this medicament i could kill the baby. in same time with all my health problems it's hard to imagine i could have a normal life with a normal family. not every year but no far there is a problem. there are 3 years ago i got a cartillage problem. my legs' catillage destroyed and when i tried to walk, to move it was very very very painful, during months i wasn't able to walk normaly. it was like i had acid in my legs and since this periode now when i walk "too much" (there are few days i walked at the supermarket at 200meter of my building and it was already too much) my legs became very sensitive and doctors say it certainely won't stop and it could "touch" all my body. by the way because of another legs problem i need to pay attention and don't use too much my legs... or i will have the choice between be paralized or have a very big important operation where my legs bones must be destroyed... and this is not sure than they will become normal... i will be obligated to spend months in a bed (without move of course), the two legs in orthopedic casts and because on my Van Willebrand disease it certainly will be longer than few months... after there was my sexual disease who started to be a cancer... i can thank Sarkozy's godson XD but it was my fault. in same time i had anorexiac troubles because of quarrel with an exboyfriend. my fault too and this year, in june/july, for 3 weeks i had an equilibrium problem, i spent 3 weeks in the bed. the rare times when i left my home i walked like a drunk person. i was lipothymic but i always been a bit lipothymic since years even the winter when it snow i need to open the windows, i use 24/24h a fan, i always need air. i rarely feel the cold and since june it's worst. you can put me in a car i need to be half naked and open all the windows or i feel very very bad and i faint. so everywhere i go in bars, nightclubs, concert hall, i need to be seat in a calme zone or i have problems. so because of it, it's hard for me to imagine i could be married or have kid. i don't want kids or husband as medical assistants. result i don't know what i want. maybe if i was a normal person i could imagine have kids and an husband but i'm not like this so my perception of life is different.

i will be very mainstream but i just can't remember the name of all the sh*ty underground stuff i listened and the list is petty long... so you could add Kings of Leon :x, Marilyn Manson, the Vines, Linkin Park, Incubus, Bush, Panic at the Disco, Muse, Simple Plan, Maroon Five, Placebo and 90% of alternative music... i also hate Jay-Z :x , 2Pac :x , Kayne West, P. Diddy and all the rest. many of my friends who enjoy hip hop love Jay-Z but i really can't. i hate his music, the way it sounds to my ears which is nightclub/girly and not enough dark and complex. about french music Bob Sinclar, David Guetta are on the list! :x TTC too even if their lyrics are funny. special edit for Flipsyde :x :yuckky: their music is a mental torture and pink, britney spears and katy perry. my parents listened them in their cars. they half killed me... i love euro pop but i don't really like the american one

yes, that's me i tagged different kinds of music... so the result wasn't great everytimes. red, i love this song too but now i need a break. i listened it near to 200 times in 3 days i don't know why i was sure it was more, thank last fm XD this song killed my brain. usually i rarely tired of a song but i think it's too much "electro" for me that's why i need a break. you should listen Health. this is the same style. Health - We Are Water by the way i prefer the 31Knots they are just so wonderful one of the best musicians that i ever hear or ever see!!! i don't say it because they are my lovers but because i really love them. when they play music it's like their instrument was a piece of their body, they aren't focused on them. live of Chain Reaction : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1V6zTp3GKo even better than the recorded version rare are musicians who can pretend to be an amazing musicians when they are drunk XD (or just play a song like Chain Reaction... the majority of musicians couldn't play this kind of song! it's a very high level) only the drummer was normal talk about math rock there are few munites the leader of the Tall Ships sent me a mail on last.fm and added me in his friend because he saw i was their "biggest" listener. such a good surprise! this band is really really good, i discovered them there are few weeks and they are amazing. he is super cute.

not exactely. now in france since few months user must pay to listen last fm's radio. i think only the United States, England and Germany can listen this radio for free, so i stopped to listen fast fm. i don't think this is normal few countries don't need to pay and the other must pay. and before when i used the radio, i listened maybe 1 hour and i always forgotten to stop the radio and in same time i listened my own music and it scrobbled my player's music and the last fm's radio in same time. result in the end the last year i had thousands "plays" of bands like Incubus, Marilybn Manson or else :x and i absolutely hate these bands. there are few months i have been obligated to clean my last fm because there were hundreds artists i never listen or ihate. i deleted a 1/3 or my library and my "plays" (of course, if i delete the artist, i delete the "plays" in same time). i could pretend to be one of the biggest user in the world and before it was worst... if i didn't deleted these artists i could have 4000 artists for 400 000 play in 22 months it's a bit freaky

already a classic

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