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Lonneke Engel
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HoneyKiss

By HoneyKiss
in Female Fashion Models

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sanja

sanja

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Thanks to Dreamcather from The fashion spot forum, here is Lonneke interview from new Dutch Grazia, I will soon scan that cover and editorial :)

 

Lonneke Engel, The Ups and Downs of a Supermodel.

If I look back now, it was already years in the making. I was discovered when I was 13 and my career took off immediately. I had worked with Bruce Weber when I was 13 and walked my first Chanel show alongside Kate Moss when I was 14. When I was 15 I was introduced to Ralph Lauren. It was amazing, of course, but also incredibely tough. I was modelling fulltime so I finished high school by home schooling myself. Up until my dad died (when I was 19) my parents had acted as my agents. From that moment on I was on my own and had to be my own manager, which meant that I had to work double as hard because I also had to deal with the business side of modelling. At the same time I was mourning my father's death and had issues with the IRS since I didn't know how to do my own accounting. I had hired an advisor who made a mess of things so it ended in a lawsuit. Luckily this was decided in my favour but as you can understand I had to grow up extra fast to be able to deal with all this, but really I was still a young girl on her own in NYC.

I'm a perfectionist and I set the bar very high, especially for myself. I never took a day off to relax because I felt like I had to do something useful with my time. So I spent my free time supporting charities, networking, living and supporting an ecofriendly lifestyle and setting up my own website. I also had relationships with men who turned out to be no good for me, which was draining my energy. Others let loose and relax by partying or drinking but that is not who I am. I didn't know how te de-stress so I bottled up all my feelings and emotions until I was completely stuck.

Panic Attacks
In November 2012 NY was struck by hurricane Sandy, a terrifying experience. It seemed like I was living in a ghost town and was afraid to be alone. When things went back to normal I went out with some of my friends. I don't drink but when I came back home I was feeling dizzy, had heartpalpitations and it felt like I was about to pass out. I called 911 and was rushed to the hospital where they told me I had a severe panic attack. It was the start of a rough time as I was experiencing more unexplained symptoms. I often felt like I couldn't breath, feeling tense and unable to relax. My doctor ran several test because I was convinced that I was sick, maybe I had cancer like my dad or there was something wrong with my lungs. It turned out that all my symptoms were caused by mental stress so they prescribed me tranquilizers. I'd rather not use any medication but this time I had to: I couldn't sleep, even grabbing a glass of water was enough to cause a panic attack. A few days later, on Thanksgiving, I was scheduled to fly home to Holland to be with my family. I remember laying in bed in New York and thinking “I can't do this”. I took a tranquilizer and got a taxi to the airport, where I got another panic attack. The crowds of people, the rush, it was all to much. By taking my medication while travelling to Holland I somehow managed to get home to Eindhoven. In Holland, after more tests, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (from the Sandy experience) combined with complete exhaustion: a burn-out.

Wreck
I have spent my whole life on catwalks and shoots and presenting myself to others so I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Thats why I didn't take my burn-out that seriously. I figured that a week off would do the trick but I ended up not being able to get out of bed during the first 4 months. I couldn't go to the store or even see my family. With a burn-out your nervous system is overloaded, you can't handle harsh light or sounds because it causes your body to go into stress mode. In addition my joints were aching, I was dizzy, didn't have clear sight and had tinnitus. My nervous system was such a wreck that my body wasn't sending proper signals to my brain, I often couldn't feel my legs for example, which was really scary. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions, feeling euphoric one moment to feeling completely down the next. There were days that I couldn't think clearly so I forgot to eat and at a certain moment I only weighed 48 kg (105 lbs). I also developed agoraphobia (fear of wide, open spaces). In short I went from being in perfect health to being a complete wreck.
After a few months Dirk, who was a friend of my sister, came by to see me. He had suffered from a burn-out in the past so he knew what I was going through. He started coming by more often, cooking for me and accompanying me to my doctor. In the middle of this mess there was finally someone who understood me. During that time we developed feelings for eachother and we started dating. To get out of the house more and to create a daily rhythm we decided to adopt a dog, something I had always wanted to do. At the animal shelter I immediately fell in love with Vito. Vito and Dirk helped me get over my agoraphobia by going for short walks, everytime I was able to go a little further. The dog helped me relax and distracted me from everything that was going on around me. A major advantage of me getting healthier physically was that my fears started to disappear to the background as well.

Goodbye to fashion
Because I had been in bed for an entire season I noticed that the fashion industry just kept going. I felt like I wasn't missed in that world and I realised that I didn't miss it either. This started to get me thinking about where my life was going: what would really make me happy? The answer was walking in nature with my dog or cooking. Things that I never took the time to do. I was in a bad shape mentally but this situation also gave me the opportunity to do the things I really loved doing.
I've had an amazing career, maybe this was the time for me to stop? I posted a statement on my website saying my goodbyes to the fashion industry. Apparently this was a big deal because major designers immediately came knocking at my door. I was approached to walk Marc Jabobs' final show for Louis Vuitton and also Nicolas Ghesquiere's first show. All of a sudden I was getting all these major offers. But I never doubted when I said no, I was just too sick. I haven't done anything in fashion since, this interview and shoot is the first work after I stopped modelling. And I like that because now I am in control of what and how much I'm doing.

I have seen the modelling industry change since I first started. Models have tough routines, it is physically demanding to spent half the time in an airplane and always be in top shape, to be thin enough. The past year I have gained 10kg (22 lbs), I'm a bit rounder and have bigger breasts. It is only now that I understand why my doctor used to comment that I was too thin. I feel healthy now, more a woman than a girl. I'm only 1.71cm (5'7”) and I've always had hips. I didn't have an eating disorder but as a model you're focussing on food 24/7, always thinking you can do better, be thinner or work-out more often. My health is more important to me now than anything else, I want to maintain a healthy weight. Because of all the stress I have developed a condition called hypothyroidism: an underactive thyroid which is caused by Hashimoto's disease. If I don't keep my thyroid hormones balanced I would be at greater risk of a miscarriage, so I have to get my body healthy first before starting a family.

Marriage
I have known Dirk for quite some time, he was a friend of my sister and a bit of an outsider. He is very focussed on healthy living, nutrition and fitness. And he doesn't drink. I have that same focus in life. My sister always said that we are meant to be together so it was unavoidable that we would end up together. Because we started dating during a very intense couple of months we have a very solid base, we're together day and night. Dirk has done so much for me when I was struggling, something most people won't do and I'm eternally grateful for that.
We really wanted to get married and our first idea was to do it at City Hall in New York, without all the hassle. We ended up getting married at home, by an ordained friend of ours. Her husband, my best friend Johan, was our photographer. He was also one of my witnesses at our marriage, the other one being George, who was a sort of father figure for me when I was modelling in New York. It was a very intimate and spiritual ceremony, just for the 2 of us. I wore a very cute 60's vintage wedding dress that I bought for 65 dollar. We made the bouquet ourselves and bought some cupcakes at a raw food restaurant that we decorated with flowers. I truly believe this is what marriage is all about, entering into a union based on love. We have so many precious memories from that day. Next summer we want to throw a big party in upstate New York to celebrate with all our loved ones.

Dog
I always used to try my hardest to succeed in everything that I did. Now that I'm letting that forced behaviour go things seem to come on my path naturally. I'm focussing on small and mostly fun projects. I'm an experienced manager, I used to manage myself for years, so I started a small artist management company. I represent Dirk and his brother Pim with their Leather Art Label Mano Macchiato. They dye leather items, from shoes and clothing to furniture. All one of a kind items (the blue dress Lonneke is wearing is from Mano Macchiato) and I'm helping them with their PR. We recentely did a collaboration with Jan Boelo and the feedback from fashion insiders has been nothing but positive. Maybe I'll start managing more artists in the future, who knows. I'm also working on a cookbook and a childrensbook about the adventures of our dog Vito. He's a real star, has his own Instagram account and has met some celebrities like Doutzen and David Blaine. He also introduced us to Marc Jabobs. He has a dog that is the same breed as Vito and he wanted a playdate. The message of the book is that it will always get better when you are feeling down. And who knows, maybe it will help other animals who are currently in shelters.

Not all things I'm doing at the moment are just for fun but I do feel like I'm making a fresh new start and I enjoy that feeling every day!

Grazia Netherlands

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