The Jokes Thread

[pmech]

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin, Sean, me next door neighbor, Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand, since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we

last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin' way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.

[Neo52285]

[[solo]]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

[Neo52285]

[KingSupra]

[KingSupra]

A man walks into a bar and notices a miniature man sitting on a table playing a miniature piano. He’s fascinated and asks the bartender, “How did you find such a tiny man to play the piano?” The bartender replies, “I found a lamp with a genie in it who granted me one wish.” “And you asked for a 10-inch pianist?” “Well, not exactly.”

[KingSupra]

A guy out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right to the nuts. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he asked,“How bad is it, Doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin.”

The doctor said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay in about two weeks.” Then the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl and the two got married. On their honeymoon night, she opened her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and told him, “You’ll be the first; no one has ever touched these before.”

The new bridegroom dropped his pants and said, “Look at this — it’s still in the crate!”

[KingSupra]

A man enters a bar with his pet monkey. The man walks straight up to the bar when his monkey companion jumps on a nearby pool table grabs a pool ball and swallows it whole. The bartender, shocked, asks the man “Why in the hell did he do that?”

The man replies, “He always eats things whole.”

Two days latter the same man with his monkey go into the same bar. This time the monkey follows the man to the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar sticks it up his ass and then eats it.

The bartender shocked at this asks, “Why did he stick it up his ass first?” The man replies, “Ever since the pool ball he makes sure everything will fit.”

[Neo52285]

[pmech]

A man enters a bar with his pet monkey. The man walks straight up to the bar when his monkey companion jumps on a nearby pool table grabs a pool ball and swallows it whole. The bartender, shocked, asks the man “Why in the hell did he do that?”

The man replies, “He always eats things whole.”

Two days latter the same man with his monkey go into the same bar. This time the monkey follows the man to the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar sticks it up his ass and then eats it.

The bartender shocked at this asks, “Why did he stick it up his ass first?” The man replies, “Ever since the pool ball he makes sure everything will fit.”

Whoa talk about co-incident... When I was reading page 7 I was thinking about putting that one... THen I saw it... Great minds think alike I guess

[KingSupra]

i guess so what great minds we have

[[solo]]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

[Ronin]

haha.....got real funny at the end....

[KingSupra]

[Cs2]

ahah

[KingSupra]

Two 80-year-old women are driving when they come upon an intersection. The light is red, but they drive right through it. The woman in the passenger seat thinks to herself, I must be losing it. I could swear we just ran a red light. After a few more minutes, they come to another intersection, and again they run a red light.

The woman in the passenger seat decides to speak up: “Mildred! You just ran two red lights in a row!”

“Oh,” says Mildred. “Am I driving?”

[KingSupra]

There was a couple who were married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo.

She gets completely upset, and screams, “You impotent bastard,” she screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, “I’ll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids.”

[Neo52285]

[GOCHO]

that was funny!

[KingSupra]

hahaa im lovin the sig gocho, that avatar is awesome too!