The Jokes Thread

[one man band]

The last one is sick. Funny, but sick.

[Guest quasicartes]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept

through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary,

who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair

behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary

fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But

Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary

fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam

after she had her twenty-third child?''

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me

one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Teacher fainted.

[Guest quasicartes]

Morris complained to his friend Irving that love making with his wife was

becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing

doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

[Sweetpea]

A couple were dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned

on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone, covered

their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the

local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple

opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out

into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut

in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife

goes

out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The

cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the

driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver

that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say

goodbye to my mother". A few minutes later, the husband gets into the

cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid

bitch was

hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get

her to come to me. I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from

scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw

her out into the backyard!"

[Sweetpea]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL!" he yelled. "Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! They need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE

BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you?" she said. "You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs after all these years?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

[Sweetpea]

My last one until later Lol

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking only $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs-up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[KingSupra]

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can

[KingSupra]

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

[zoltar]

[one man band]

My last one until later Lol

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking only $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs-up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Made many a fatal error with speaker-phones...

[Sweetpea]

THE STRING AND THE SPOON

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a

drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen

instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Sweetpea]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count. The doctor grabbed a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "Dear God man... you asked your neighbor?

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

[Sweetpea]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again; he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

[Sweetpea]

This is my last joke for the day

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of your self!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[zoltar]

[KingSupra]

An old guy

[Hiro]

[Don]

I've seen that one before, but instead it was a man and a woman.

What do you call an Amish man with his hand stuck up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.

[Sweetpea]

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"

The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.

As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you OK, dear?"

The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."