1349 replies to this topic

[aacrazysurf11]

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OK I just can't stop laughiiiiiiiiiin'      


Baron, you're the best   



LIMANATIIIII    

[TheBaronOfFratton]

BEHATI IS AN ANGEL, SAYS GOD

News comes to us regarding the tedious Is She An "Angel" Or Isn't She? debate that seems to be tediously spreading across the forum...

Thankfully God has stepped into the argument to give (hopefully) the FINAL word.

"Yeah, she sure is." Boomed God though the clouds. "And I should damn well know, mate. I bloody made her one meself..."


(God, maybe, this morning)

God shook his head when told about the continuing questioning of Behati's "Angel" status. "To be honest, I really don't know what all this crap is about. I gave her some wings back in October, and told her straight: Oy, Behati - you're an "Angel", have it!"


(God's holy Fed-Ex'd wings)

When asked about how "official" his wings are, God got a little angry. "Listen - nothing more I can do, fella. I gave her the wings, up to her what she does with them. I'm getting proper pissed off with this constant moaning about it..."

Whilst it's certainly true that Behati is in no way as beautiful as all the other "Angels" (particularly Adriana Lima - lest we forget), and it simply must have been a mistake to have considered this manly and/or childish looking model to be their equal - who are we to question God? When approached about her wings, feral Behati simply hissed and went back to her dinner - how UN-"Angel" like!


(Hisssss!)

Still, God remains unrepentant. "I did it. SORT IT OUT! Don't make me come down there and SMITE you!", he warned.


(A smiting - yesterday)

[MissLimaVzla]

Oh this is the confirmation people was waiting for ...
Thanks for settin' the record straight God ... Amen!

[aacrazysurf11]

Yes, this is definitely what ppl have been waitiing ... I gotta say the same then my CandyGirl ... AMEN

[Mickiala]

TheBaronOfFratton, on Jan 13 2010, 07:41 AM, said:

THE LIMANATI

Ever wondered why things get so quickly out of hand whenever you say a bad word about Adriana Lima? Ever thought about why it is that she gets multi-million contracts for everything she ever does whilst the other "Angels" scrabble about on the floor for her scraps? Why is it that we're told (continuously) the VS simply can't survive without her?

Well, we finally have the answer. She's an ALIEN!


Apparently it is mostly OK to criticize other models, as they're not giant shape-shifting lizards and therefore don't pose as much of a threat. But an Adriana Cult has sprung up in recent years to justify every spurious fact about her "power" and "money-making ability" - rendering it almost impossible to have a sensible conversation about it.

LMAO Who knew!! I saw her in the 1983 V made for TV series.

[Joe > Average]

@ this thread

But on a serious note, this thread has definitely been eye opening. And I can't explain how good it feels to have many of the suspisions you've felt all along confirmed . One lingering question remains though. Are Lindsay Ellingston and Heatherton Ellingston really the same person ? And the result of both digital wizardry and hollygraphy ?

[TheBaronOfFratton]

Joe > Average, on Jan 20 2010, 04:03 AM, said:

One lingering question remains though. Are Lindsay Ellingston and Heatherton Ellingston really the same person ? And the result of both digital wizardry and hollygraphy ?

^Joe, if you feel that you've got a story there - then I wholeheartedly implore you to post it!

I suspect you might be onto something - with some sort of genetic splicing to create a perfectly bland and inoffensive US blonde girl-next-door type. Erin Lindsayton could well be this 'Frankensteinian' result...  

[JoeKnight]

Baron can't do all the work, I decided to do some research of my own.  

Wardrobe Malfunction at VSFS Cancels Superbowl

Well it's finally happened. I'm sure you all remember the incident at the 2004 SuperBowl. Due to an totally planned accidental wardrobe malfunction ... CBS was a little too scared to air a VSFS that year. And we all got the wonder of an Angels Across America Tour. Yes boys and girls, a long LONG time ago there was a point where "Angel" wasn't a haphazardly used term.

Well they've been plotting for years and now they've finally succeeded. In order to repay the NFL for the mishap, during the prior fashion show, there was yet another wardrobe malfunction. This time by Candice Swanepoel - as shown here.


This has caused outcry and has forced CBS's hand and they must now CANCEL the Superbowl. There is fear that a tackle might result in someone losing a little more than the ball, but his pants as well.


There is as well concern that, while we're on the topic of tackling, that someone may engineer mirrors to pop up at random intervals on the field, thus making the players crash into them.  

Well ... the score is 1-to-1 now in the VS vs NFL match. Let's see who will win - after the half time show of course.

[TheBaronOfFratton]

^

Hats off to you, Knighty-Knight - a top scoop there! Yeah, let's se how those NFL types cope with having their precious show taken away from them...

[TheBaronOfFratton]

RAZEK: MILLER HAS MY DOG!

Once more, there's been a lot of speculation and misinformation about the current "Angel" status of Marisa Miller. Of course this hasn't stopped people telling us what's going on without actually knowing... But I come to you with a plea from VS Head-Honcho himself, Ed Razek: "Please stop saying Marisa's not an "Angel" anymore. She has my Fou-Fou and says she'll kill her if this talk carries on!!!"


(Razek with his PINK dog, Fou-Fou, bizarrely appearing from the side of his head last week)

Fou-Fou, a pedigree PINK terrier, was snatched by the evil Miller sometime Tuesday morning whilst Razek was applying his hair high-lights. "I'd discussed the possibility of Marisa leaving the "Angels" the night before over the telephone." He said, during his tanning session, "The problem is that she's ALWAYS off surfing and simply can't be bothered to attend photo-shoots and public appearances. When I finally came out of the bathroom on Tuesday I noticed Fou-Fou had gone and I immediately phoned the police - after I'd left the high-lights in for the requisite 45 minutes and then washed them out."

However, after a sweep of Razek's property, the dog - nicknamed Foufy - was nowhere to be found. "Yesterday was when I received the first photo." Razek continued, "And that's when I knew it was all about this whole "Angel" thing."


(Miller posing quite unnecessarily provocatively with Fou-Fou in her evil fortress)

"Oh yeah, that was Marisa alright. And my dog! She'd scrawled a note regarding the media coverage about her status: How it was my fault she was being made to look a fool. I called her to say it wasn't me, I hadn't leaked the story, that this was just early talks... But, well, she wasn't in - she was off surfing."

But things took a further sinister turn this morning. As another photo arrived, along with a stark warning: STOP TALKING ABOUT MY "ANGEL" STATUS OR THE DOG GETS IT:


(Fou-Fou, threatened with gun in unfeasibly small hand)

As per Razek's request, we implore you all to stop talking about this - at least until something official is actually said. We don't want that dog's blood on our hands.

We did try to contact Miller about the facts - but she was out surfing.

[Limerlight]

JoeKnight, on Jan 20 2010, 01:54 PM, said:

Baron can't do all the work, I decided to do some research of my own.  

Wardrobe Malfunction at VSFS Cancels Superbowl

Well it's finally happened. I'm sure you all remember the incident at the 2004 SuperBowl. Due to an totally planned accidental wardrobe malfunction ... CBS was a little too scared to air a VSFS that year. And we all got the wonder of an Angels Across America Tour. Yes boys and girls, a long LONG time ago there was a point where "Angel" wasn't a haphazardly used term.

Well they've been plotting for years and now they've finally succeeded. In order to repay the NFL for the mishap, during the prior fashion show, there was yet another wardrobe malfunction. This time by Candice Swanepoel - as shown here.


This has caused outcry and has forced CBS's hand and they must now CANCEL the Superbowl. There is fear that a tackle might result in someone losing a little more than the ball, but his pants as well.


There is as well concern that, while we're on the topic of tackling, that someone may engineer mirrors to top up at random intervals on the field, thus making the players crash into them.  

Well ... the score is 1-to-1 now in the VS vs NFL match. Let's see who will win - after the half time show of course.

NOT THE SUPERBOWL

Oh someone will pay for this

[dizzymisslizzy]

LMAO @ ED

[TheBaronOfFratton]

*NEWSFLASH* FOU-FOU RETURNED!!!

Breaking news, Bellazonians. We've just received word that dognapped, uh, dog - Fou-Fou - has been sensationally returned to perma-tanned undies merchant Ed Razek just a few short hours ago.

Details are scarce. But maybe some name being restored to the VSAllAccess website has a little to do with it..?

But, for now, let us revel in the joy of man and beast being reunited in love and mutual admiration.



Sports Illustrated 'swimsuit cover' deciders: keep your wits about you, and your animals indoors.

[MissLimaVzla]

Thanks for the news Baron, im glad Fou-Fou is back w/Ed

Can't wait to get more information!

[Joe > Average]

Thanks again Baron .


I have a slight bit of news . There have been rumors that VS was considering replacing world renown sexy voice narrator chick (who goes by the stage name Victoria Secretagentlady)


....with famous voice actress Cree Summer...




However, both parties claim there are no grounds for this rumor and that Victoria Secretagentlady will likely continue narration of Victoria's Secret commercials for years to come .

[chrisman46]

Joe > Average, on Jan 31 2010, 01:55 PM, said:

Thanks again Baron .


I have a slight bit of news . There have been rumors that VS was considering replacing world renown sexy voice narrator chick (who goes by the stage name Victoria Secretagentlady)

....with famous voice actress Cree Summer...


However, both parties claim there are no grounds for this rumor and that Victoria Secretagentlady will likely continue narration of Victoria's Secret commercials for years to come .

This real did make me laugh out loud

[TheBaronOfFratton]

NEW VS TEAM REVEALED

Like the rest of us, you were probably surprised to see the launch of the new "Bombshells" team, consisting (as of now) of Candice Swanepoel and Erin Heatherton:






BOMBSHELLS, BOMBSHELLS, BOMBSHELLS, HOOOOOOOOO!!!


Apparently this is all part of the VS expansion plan. According to some square marketing-type we interviewed: 'The "Angels" brand has proven successful, but maybe stale... Plus we can't be bothered anymore to say who is or isn't an "Angel", so we've decided to franchise out and try some new teams.'

The Candice/Erin team-up was inspired. 'Well they're both blonde - and then, like, you have blonde-bomshells' this nerd painstakingly explained. Thanks for that Poindexter! Just in case you were missing some chromosomes.

Anyway, here, on the 'hot-topic' thread that is Totally Spurious we can reveal VS's newest franchise team:


VICTORIA'S SECRET JUNGLE FORCE


For over ten thousand years, the spirit of a pure evil known as Dai Shi has been locked away and safely guarded by the Pai Zhuq Razek, "Order of the Claw," a secretive Kung Fu clan. But now, evil has escaped and the Pai Zhuq Razek have selected their four top members to fight this evil. The quartet were sent to find a new master and he gave them the special gift to become Victoria's Secret Jungle Force. They alone are the Earth's only hope to stop the army of evil animal spirits from overtaking the human world. Dai Shi is doing everything, and anything that he can, along with his army of undead, the Rinshi so he can take over the world and have animals rule. He started out with the Five Fingers of Poison, but they failed. Dai Shi controls an army of fear, and the four Victoria's Secret Jungle Force are trying to stop him. When a Rinshi Warrior possessing an animal spirit is too much for the Secrets, each are trained by a retired master in a new animal spirit.


>

Emanuela De Paula is trained by Master Roar to become the Lion-Zword! Emanuela is the team leader - and is still a little bitter at not being named and "Angel" and missing out on the VSFS '09. This leads to some tension with the other members.


>

Karolina Kurkova is trained by Master Beak to become the Hawk-Zword. In a shock recall, previously disgraced big-nosed Czech Kurkova got the call from Pai Zhuk Razek when Lindsay Ellingson turned out to be a bad choice. A bitter Ellingson tried taking the container holding Dai Shi. It accidentally opened and Dai Shi took over Ellingson's body.


>

Selita Ebanks is trained by Master Blow-Hole to become the Dolphin-Zword. In a last ditch attempt to become popular, Ebanks  shamelessly canvassed Pai Zhuk Razek into getting the Zword of the most loved animal out there. How this will pan out is as yet unknown... Can she turn it around?


>

Abbey Lee Kershaw is trained by Master Pincer to become the Beetle-Zword. Abbey's wondering why she's stuck with Selita and Karolina - whom she considers has-beens. She's also unsure of De Paula, who's been passed over for the main squad so many times. Secretively thinking herself above all this she nonetheless fights fearlessly in her armoured Zword form.


It is, no doubt, an interesting mix of disparate characters. How their story will unfold across the malls of the US is yet to be seen...

[Joe > Average]

chrisman46, on Jan 31 2010, 03:55 PM, said:

This real did make me laugh out loud

@ Baron

Great idea and great story !

It could be a real cartoon ! and is a better idea than the Bombshells .

[MissLimaVzla]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG!
Baron you're killin' me ... That's the funniest thing i've read in a while haha

[Jennka]

Oh my.... this is just amazing