The Jokes Thread

[Neo52285]

[KingSupra]

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"

[Neo52285]

[Hiro]

From the jokes section of a Maxim

Q: How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb

A: Just one, but it takes a surgical team to get it out.

A little boy asks Grandpa O'malley, "can i have five bucks to buy a guinea pig?"

"here" says the old man as he hands the boy a $10 bill " Go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead"

[[solo]]

dude i love the bush bashing jokes very funny.

I find 'most all political jokes not really very funny. Of course if someone wants to post them I'm not going to stop them.

[[solo]]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[KingSupra]

the cops the dick

[Tsunamisurfer]

ya, i think we all got that one

[KingSupra]

A guy and his wife are lying in bed when the husband starts caressing her back.

“Not tonight, dear,” she says. “I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow.” The husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he turns back and again starts caressing her back.

“Honey, stop,” she says. “I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning.”

“I know," he answers. “But you don’t have to go to the dentist, do you?”

[KingSupra]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

[KingSupra]

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!”

The wife says,“Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

The husband yells back,“It doesn’t matter… just get the hell out!”

[Neo52285]

[Legion]

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

Goes home.

What's the downside to wife-swapping?

Eventually you get yours back.

One afternoon, 2 women were sitting on a front porch. The first woman said, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs up in the air all weekend."

The other woman asked, "Why, don't you have a vase?"

[Guest quasicartes]

Men are like bank deposits.

Without lots of money, they won't generate much interest.

[Guest]

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?

Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround

yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really

intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea.

"Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime

Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father

have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is

it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that

one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give

him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's

shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father

have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's

Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his

face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[KingSupra]

[Neo52285]

[[solo]]

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?

Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround

yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really

intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea.

"Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime

Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father

have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is

it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that

one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give

him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's

shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father

have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's

Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his

face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

That bush bashing joke was actually quite funny

[KingSupra]

A masked man walks into a bank with a gun, and says, “ Put your hands up!”

The girl replies “This is not a real bank. this is a sperm bank.” He says “I know. Open that door up and take out one of those bottles and drink one.” She does and the man takes off his mask, and the girl realizes it’s her husband. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”he says.

[pmech]

aahhahahahhahaaahahahahah that made me spray my coke