The Jokes Thread

[KingSupra]

An attractive woman was driving home from a business trip and became very lost. After hours of driving without seeing a single house, she came across a farm where two strapping young men were sitting on the porch swing.

"Hello," she said, surprised to see such fine-looking guys.

"Hi. My name is Ned and this is my brother Jed," said one of the men. "Can we help you?"

"Yes," she said. "I seem to be quite lost. Could you give me directions?"

After getting the directions, the woman found herself surprisingly aroused and asked the brothers if they wanted to go into the barn for a roll in the hay.

"Sure," they replied in unison, "but we’ve never been with a woman before."

"That’s OK, but you have to wear these if we have sex," she responded as she presented them with two condoms.

"What are these?" asked Ned.

"They’re condoms. You have to wear them so I don’t get pregnant," she explained.

The men agreed and after some barn storming, the woman was back on her way home. A couple of weeks later, Ned and Jed were back on the porch swing when Ned asked, "Jed, do you care if that woman ever gets pregnant?"

"No," replied Jed.

"Me neither, so let’s take these damn things off!"

[Neo52285]

lol. that was funny supra.

[KingSupra]

A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, “My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me?”

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend’s two gorgeous daughters. He says, “Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you.”

The first daughter says, “That’s not true.”

He says, “I’ll prove it.”

He yells down the stairs, “Both of them?”

His friend yells back, “Of course, both of them.”

[Neo52285]

[KingSupra]

Q: How do you define “making love”?

A: It’s what a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?

A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your schlong.

Q: How is sex a lot like air?

A: Because it’s not a big deal unless you’re not getting any.

[KingSupra]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn’t sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can’t believe that he’s seeing what he’s seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?”

“I’m sorry to have disturbed you, sir,” she replies. “I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?”

The woman looks at him with a coy smile and says, “Pepper.”

[KingSupra]

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. “Doctor,” she says, “my husband just doesn’t satisfy me sexually anymore.”

“Hmm,” replies the doctor. “Have you considered taking a lover?”

“I did that,” she says, “and I’m still not getting enough sex to satisfy me.”

“How about taking another lover?”

“I keep trying that. I have seven lovers plus my husband, but I still can’t seem to get enough.”

“My goodness,” says the doctor, “you’re quite an anomaly.”

“Oh, thank God,” says the woman. “Will you please tell them I’m an anomaly? They all keep calling me a slut.”

[KingSupra]

A guy’s been dating the girl of his dreams for several months, but he’s been holding back his sexual advances because he’s worried she’ll notice his smaller-than-average penis.

One night they’re in his car, and he decides to finally make his move. After kissing for a while, he opens his zipper and guides her hand into his pants.

“No, thanks,” moans the girl. “You know I don’t smoke.”

[KingSupra]

After hearing a couple’s complaints that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, a sex counselor suggests they vary their position. “You should try the wheelbarrow,” the counselor says. “Lift her legs from behind, and off you go.” The husband is raring to try it. “Well, OK,” the hesitant wife agrees, “but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you have to stop right away, and second, you have to promise we won’t go past my parents’ house.”

[KingSupra]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms.

“Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?”

“No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?”

[Capt Snow]

A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, “My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me?”

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend’s two gorgeous daughters. He says, “Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you.”

The first daughter says, “That’s not true.”

He says, “I’ll prove it.”

He yells down the stairs, “Both of them?”

His friend yells back, “Of course, both of them.”

Dude totally took advantage of his crippled friend. Kinda mean, but oh so funny at the same time.

[KingSupra]

hey there's no ethics or morals in this thread. this thread is to make you laugh.

[KingSupra]

King Supra was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

“This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Supra then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to LimaX. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Supra. “My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

[Neo52285]

[KingSupra]

man my jokes are funny. this next one is great

A couple just getting over an argument drives several miles down a country road. As they pass a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asks, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replies. "In-laws."

[Neo52285]

i dont think so supra. that last one wasnt funny at all

[KingSupra]

its cool i got a laugh out of it

[pmech]

The problem with prostitution being 'illegal' shouldn't stay in effect anymore

The thing is, your not PAYING for sex. Your paying for her to leave the next morning.

[KingSupra]

haha yea i dont want to see her in the morning. just to think waking up to one of those things

[KingSupra]

ok time for my jokes of the day

A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help.

Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the shit out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?”

“No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”